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| ABOUT |
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| "And no one dared to ask him any more questions" but you can read some answers here had they asked. |
| WELCOME |
| Top Funerals For Top Earners. |
| A very warm welcome awaits you at the Tenpasenta Premium funeral sales office, that's because all the heating is plumbed directly from our crematorium heat exchangers, by doing this we can give the impression of being "Green", when in fact we're just saving money. The Tenpasenta Church operates one of the very few private crematoriums in the country, and our overly high prices reflect this. You can book your funeral service up to five years in advance, although seldom taken advantage of by those outside the trade and criminals, it's there all the same, and could guarantee you a weekend slot or a nice summer cremation. We can get you embalmed and cremated quicker than you could book your Doctor to find out you were dying in the first place! 5-8 day guarantee from death to urn, that's a promise! |
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We use one funeral service chapel that is conveniently located next to our gift shop, mourners will have to pass through this on their exit, where they can purchase any of our large range of Church and funeral souvenirs. Although the chapel is located within the crematorium building, it caters for ceremonies before cremations or burials, the only difference being we don't play the closing the curtain around the coffin game with burials. Due to time restraints we have to limit all standard services to thirty minutes, there is nothing worse than queues of mourners clogging up the entrance waiting their turn, it makes the place look like a "Men in Black" movie convention. An hour service is available if you believe your dead loved one to have been special in some way, bespoke prices are available on request once we see how wealthy you look, and find out what bespoke means. |
| A standard service is usually given by Mark the
vicar or his brother Graham, with years of experience behind them you would believe they knew the deceased personally and not just seen their name on the invoice. They will tell stories about how fantastic and loved the deceased was, how fantastic and loved will depend on the price negotiated for the service, however you can work this out on the day, we understand it can depend on which mourners do or don't turn up, it's would be a shame to spend £80 on a eulogy when only their care staff turned up, and they only come to get out of wiping arses for an hour, for these girls going to funerals is a perk of the job. We have the facility for you to play your own choice of inappropriate music during the service, and just like a council crematorium we are cheeky enough to charge you £10 for the privilege. Feel free to bring along your own organist if you prefer, we have no organ for them to play, but it's your service, invite who you like. |
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For an additional charge a wing or all of our Premier Church can be hired for that classic and very expensive funeral service. The cost to us is the same, but the added luxury must be worth a fair few quid extra to you? Mark the vicar or his brother will make the funeral event a truly spectacular thirty minutes as they dress as real vicars, and pose for after service photos with the bereaved. You will need to hire a hearse for our Church option, limousine are also available, we have matching sets of up to 3 limousines and 2 hearses, not bad. Premium Church Prices start at only £350, but to be honest for this price you need to carry the coffin in yourself, aim for £500+ to get the full works. Pall bearer prices depend on how heavy the coffin is, 4-10 available. This is a fast coffin delivery service so that they can get back outside for a cigarette. |
| BOOMERS? |
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Baby Boomers. |
| Baby boomers may be a myth but yet again our funerals are beginning to hit a slump. We refuse to believe our prices or poor service could possibly be responsible, but these Boomer types could be dropping our throughput of deceased to pre-war levels. Please encourage any of your elderly relatives to hasten their own departure, we leave their choice of "suicide" to them, but rest assured their will be a nice bottle of chilled Champagne in it for you. Baby Boomers to blame or just a slump, you decide, just remember we have a treat for you. |
| DETAILS |
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| The note above is the amount of detail that we get prior to a funeral. As you can see the deceased choice of music was dire, we have yet to work out why so much old crap is played at a funeral. |
| Tenpasenta Church Premium funerals have bridged the gap between solemnity and fun, many parts of our crematorium are open to the general public, not only for educational purposes, but also for those who are just morbidly nosey, even relatives pop in for a look around once a year until they get fed up or die themselves. Feel free to arrange a guided tour of our funeral facilities, however feeling free is as far is it gets, as we charge £15 for the hour long tour, discounted group charges available on request, however there is a maximum of 32 guests per tour with a maximum 10% discount. We have a tour every day at 3pm including bank holidays and even Christmas day, so forget watching the Queen's speech, come and visit us, get a taste of what is guaranteed to come to you, maybe pick a nice niche for yourself, you only need to put down an £80 non-refundable deposit. If you have a relative residing in one of our niches bring a receipt of internment for one hour free access, maps are available for only £2. |
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| ENABLED |
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Great news for internet fans, from summer 2011 or later our funeral chapel will be Wi-fi enabled. We understand how dull funeral services can be, that's why internet connectivity is so important to the modern bereaved. This service is offered free of charge to all of those giving a £2 donation before the service. We kindly ask all users not to send live web feed to their friends via this service, we are currently trying to get into the live feed market ourselves, and don't need clever dicks eating into our potential profits. |
| UPFRONT |
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| FROM ONLY £4k! |
| If you are on your last legs, or just don't trust your family to give you a good send off, why not pop into our Bitterne branch, and sign up to our UPFRONT® funeral prepayment plan, this simple plan will cover all costs involved in having you cremated, we can have you buried too, but to be honest it's not as effort free as just sending you to the crematorium. Feel free to go through our catalogue of headstones and coffins, even pick the style of hearse you'd like, kid yourself into thinking we're actually going to use anything but the cheap stuff on the day, remember that inflation can and will effect your payment, what would buy you a full funeral today may only pay for a pair of coffin knickers in sixty years time, pay more if you can, you know it makes sense. If you have surviving family who will be attending your funeral, rest assured they will see all of the great funerary items you have bought in advance with your UPFRONT® funeral plan, many will be surprised however at what cheap crap you chose. We will tell you after your death during the possible embalming the actual cash value of your UPFRONT® premium, so no excuse in saying you were not told. It could be a cool investment to pay for your funeral UPFRONT® or maybe in some rare circumstances not, (honest or what?) You can pay us monthly with an UPFRONT+® payment plan, however if you were to die before paying the £4000 minimum, you can go whistle, no refunds, get knotted, swivel. |
| PROBATE |
| We offer a first class Probate Service. When a person dies somebody has to deal with their estate (money property and possessions) by collecting in all the money, paying any debts and distributing what is left to those people entitled to it, maybe including a fair bit to us. Probate is the court's authority; given to a person or persons to administer a deceased person's estate and the document issued by the Probate Service is called a Grant of Representation. This document is usually required by the asset holders as proof to show the correct person or persons have the Probate Service's authority to administer a deceased person's estate. Before you choose our Probate service, remember that there are many scammers out there who will demand Up-front payments, we tried this for a couple of years but have since found legal ways to make a mint from the dead. Recommend us and you could earn up to 10% commission! |
| VICAR |
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| All of our telephone advisors have at least 30 years experience in the funeral industry. |
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| “We've been delivering overpriced funerals in the Southampton area since 1950, our frank way of handling death has won us acclaim in the funeral industry, although many potential customers find our jovial attitude a surprise at first, but once they see our mark-ups they quickly understand why we're laughing. I aim to make at least an average of £460 profit from each funeral, you know it makes sense” |
| Reverend Mark Collyer, Head Vicar and Senior Funeral Advisor. |
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