Please don't pay your local council for a 50 year lease on a burial plot, because we will refuse to bury you there, only a short drive away from us is the New Forest, acres of woodland, ideal for a Tenpasenta Church Premium Green burial and all plots are free forever.
Due to the ecological aspects of these woodland burials, we regret to say that headstones cannot be erected on the grave, not even those wooden posts that other green burial sites charge £300 for, however by adding an identity chip similar to those used for identifying dogs into the top soil, you can easily locate and read all the details you could ever need to know about the interned, including breed.
Scanner and chip is available for only £50.
Standard burial only £550.

Due to unforeseen circumstances we have decided to stop our New Forest burials for the foreseeable future, (going on past form that's about 5 years).
However it has been found that the fields behind the Tenpasenta vicarage in Woolston fall into the "Green" & "Woodland" cemetery categories, which was a stroke of luck.
These fields will make a beautiful resting place for the most disconcerting corpse.
We are going to be planting fast growing conifers on the graves, these will make a fitting tribute to the deceased and quickly create a micro-forest environment for all to enjoy.

We offer a range of themed funeral options to suit every client.
We understand that the departed loved one was a unique individual with a unique personality to match, that's why an equally unique themed funeral could be just the ticket.

1, Clowns, everybody loves clowns? Bring your own clown costumes or rent one of ours. Clowns always bring cheer to this otherwise dull occasion.
We can supply balloons and buckets of water, we did use buckets of comical confetti, but have you tried cleaning that stuff up?
We don't like dressing as clowns, so you can do the service yourselves.
£300 extra.

2, Victorian, our staff will dress in traditional middle to upper class Victorian dress, mainly in black with the funeral director of the day wearing a top hat and tails, a very popular choice with us as it's what we usually wear at work.
£300 extra.

3, Casual, a great modern theme to take away the formality of a funeral, come in your own casual clothes, and we will come in ours, you can spot us because of our designer casual wear, don't forget we're loaded.
£300 extra.

Due to the easy availability of coffins via mail order and eBay, there have been many occasions when customers have requested we use one of these and not buy from us, we have no problem with this as we just increase other funeral costs to cover our loss, but there has been a fashion amongst some bereaved to buy tasteless coffins, one example is pink.
Pink may be a colour found in many young girls and homosexuals bedrooms, but it is not a colour currently or will ever be accepted in Tenpasenta Church graveyards or crematoria, the reasons are obvious, just because you may find pink nice, does not mean our staff want to look at it or handle it, we do have some standards.

We allow pink clothes to be worn inside the coffin, but not when on public display, in the chapel of rest viewing area for example.
A recent covert attempt to bring a pink coffin into our Premier Church resulted in the Police being called, and all those involved in this tasteless insult to the living being ejected from the estate, they were only able to return when the coffin had been repainted an acceptable colour.
It recently came to our notice that a pink coffin was buried here in 1978, needless to say it, and the body remains were exhumed and put out with the rubbish.