Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious

 
 

Coffins

 
Tenpasenta Church home
ABOUT COFFINS URNS EXTRAS
BURIAL CREMATION GREEN QUALITY
VIEWING FLEET LIVING? PLANS
  • Make life's final journey better than other people's •

COMFORT STATION

Coffin liner Coffin Comfort station
Try before you buy.
Have you been worried that the coffin you will be resting in will be a little uncomfortable? Now with our new Comfort Station you can test the coffin liner that suits you best.
 

COFFIN RANGE

Premium Coffins
Bury BURY
Cremate BURN
Sea burial SEA
bio GREEN
 
People are dying to get into our premium coffins.
The Cheapskate

The Mexican

The Cheapskate £1,019 The Mexico £1,999  
BuryCremateSEa burial BuryCremateSEa burial  
The Fitness

The Happy Widow

The Fitness £2,989 The Happy Widow £2,999  
BuryCremateSEa burial BuryCremateSEa burialNew  
The Italian The Zanxibar
The Italian £2,999 The Zanzibar £3,599  
BuryCremateSEa burial BuryCrematebio  
The FactHunt
The Big Fact Hunt £7,999-£12,000  
BuryCremateNew
It's a fact of modern life that many people are morbidly overweight, but there are many that are even bigger than this, unfortunately many of these big fat oafs die whilst still bleeding huge instead of waiting until they've slimmed down to fit into a reasonably sized coffin, this used to mean constructing very expensive bespoke coffins, but with so many big dead coming into our funeral shop daily we have introduced a new off the shelf XXL model.
Our beautiful new coffin is constructed from pine planks sourced from Sweden's premier timber yards, it is pre-fitted with a standard pallet sourced from our local Spar making it easier to handle by our elderly pall bearers.
Due to the many hours of research we have put into this product we have decided to call this the Big Fact Hunt, and is compatible with our new jumbo sized Fat Furnace cremation unit.

CELEBRITY COFFINS

Celebrity Coffins
Bury BURY
Cremate BURN
SEa burial SEA
bio GREEN
 
The Spuccie Brucie Coffin
  NEW! The Sprucie Brucie £4,999 BuryCremateSEa burialbio
Arthur Negus The Aston  
The Arthur Negus (By auction only) The Mick Aston £3,499
BuryCremateSEa burial BuryCremateSEa burialbio
The Carradine Bisto Coffin
The David Carradine £3,999 The Lynda Bellingham £7,999
BuryCremateSEa burialbio BuryCremateSEa burialNew
The Taylor The Blaine
The Elizabeth Taylor £8,499 The Harry Houdini £9,499
Bury BurySEa burial
The Whicker Tardis
The Alan Whicker £6,499 The Jon Pertwee £6,499
BuryCremateSEa burialbio BuryCrematebioNew
The Armstrong The Indian
The Neil Armstrong £6,499 The GANDHI £14,999
BuryCrematebio Bury
The McQueen The Jackson
The David Frost £18,999 The Michael Jackson £179,999
SEa burialbio BurySEa burial
   
This site is not suitable for churchy types
  Tenpasenta Church

MADAGASCAR COFFINS

Madagascar Coffins
Madagascar Coffin range £9,999
BuryCremateSEa burialNew
 
R.I.P.
   
  Tenpasenta Church
PRICE MATCH
Seen it cheaperWe guarantee our high prices! If you find the identical coffin within 50 miles of Southampton we will drop our price to meet theirs! It's as simple as that. Graham the Vicar, senior sales advisor
Best price
*Price match must only be on items in stock and must include next day delivery, 5 year manufacturers warranty, from a Professional funeral director not eBay, grade A stock, and the manufacture number must match including the phrase "exclusive to the Tenpasenta Church".

WAITING OFFER

look here *Buyers of Celebrity coffins costing over £6500 can use some parts of the vicarage prior to the funeral, see "LIVING" for details.
Premium Funerals Panorama
   
Tenpasenta Church
  Tenpasenta Church
COFFIN HANDLES
Elderly crossing coffin handles
Shit Happens Remember to embellish your chosen
premium coffin with some Premium EXTRA LARGE handles.
Only £3000 for a box of 6.
What you do with any left over is up to you.
HUGE STOCKS
a coffin delivery
Visit one of our vast coffin showrooms. These may not be as flash as our designer range, but they do represent the best quality in standard Premier coffins.
Don't expect fancy eco-coffins though, we've found that some can cause trouble in our very expensive cremator retorts so forget your banana leaf wonders or water hyacinth weaved beauties because we'll kick them into the long grass, which is also banned.
Shit Happens
Coffin stocks Coffin Store and till
 
Donate
   
  Tenpasenta Church
SPECIAL OFFER
Free coffin liner Lined  cofin
When buying your Premium multi-thousand pound coffin, you will qualify for a pure nylon coffin liner worth £108, it may be one of the cheaper liners but it is out of sight, better still they only cost us £12.50 each in the first place!
Taking advantage of this great offer could mean you can get that cheap case of Champagne you noticed in Spar for the wake.
If you qualify for this fantastic offer it can only be used for this liner, not a £108 discount off the good stuff, we're not daft.
coffin liner Tenpasenta Church
CryptAdvisor Comfort rating
CASKET ROADSHOW
Casket Roadshow lorry
american casket showroom With American Caskets becoming far more popular with the dying British public, we have decided to run a nationwide advertising campaign with a casket display and sales truck to regularly visit every city in England.
After finding out the vast mark ups on these luxury looking coffins, it would be a fool who didn't try to sell them to grieving relatives.
Most Americans have their expensive caskets buried within a vault, depending on the price they can be just air tight or withstand world destruction, pity we don't sell these yet as we hear there is little physical difference between them in fact.
When caskets in vaults become common place in the UK you can guarantee we will be at the forefront of that craze. We have already dedicated a large area for 200 standard concrete vaults, lay 'em out, cover them with grass, and your ready to start, easy and very cost effective, coming soon, meanwhile browse our selection that have all been imported from Texas.
VIEW OUR RANGE
All prices include standard Bereavement Tax of as much as we can get. Our complete coffin range (except the Jackson) is available to view at our funeral sales office, and we're sure you will agree the quality is well worth the meagre 350% standard Bereavement Tax added to all of our funerary products.
We would like to offer a wider range of coffins, but to be honest we get a good discount from our current Chinese supplier and can't be arsed to look around.
Many funeral directors will derive their profits from either the coffin cost or the service charge, rest assured that here at Tenpasenta Church Premium Funerals we profit from both.
  As seen on BBC South Today  
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