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  Tenpasenta Church


The Tenpasenta Church operates one of the very few private crematoriums in the country and we provide the only 4 Michelin star cremations in Europe.
This page goes through the basic processes you can expect from our premium service.

After a service at our premier chapel or church the coffin is transported from catafalque to our pre-cremation storage area where one of our back room boys may need to check the body for jewellery or any other valuables that could ruin one of our retorts, this is normally only done after a tip off from a relative with whom we split any profits after the items have sold on our eBay outlet.
catafalque catafalque
Cremators crematorium worker
Crematorium chimney Human ashes
At some point during the day the body will be fed into one of our gas cremators, it will remain there for around two hours or more depending on the body size. Big and fat bodies may need to be re-directed to our budget funeral pyres until our larger cremators for the handful of inconsiderate overly fat or tall dead people come into operation during early 2014. Please note that not all bodies are cremated on the day of the service, but they will be processed within 72 hours cording to the law.CryptAdvisor
Early into the process we engage the countries only patent corpse basting system, this gives that even white finish to the ashes that relatives like to see when digging around in the urn with a biro.
We collect 3 to 8 lbs. of bone fragments from a cremation, these take about an hour to cool, down which gives our operatives time for a snack or a trip to the shops, or maybe go home and give the Mrs one?
After cremation the cremains of bones and teeth will need to be ground into powder which we then refer to as ash, but only after coffin pins, large metal fragments or joints are removed all recovered metals are retained by us for recycling, but unlike many council crematoria we keep any cash made.
If you would like to receive your loved ones remains unprocessed please make your wishes known well in advance, this is for our benefit due to the fact these remains may be identifiable, whereas processed cremains all look the same and it doesn't really matter if they get confused with another person, co-mingling can still occur.
The cremains are turned to ash by passing them through a high speed cremulator, it only takes about 3 minutes to process them, giving our staff just enough time for a cigarette.

Our standard cremation is only £450.
Cremated remains


New crematorium can handle fat bodies
New Tenpasenta Crematorium 2
We are pleased to announce that our new second crematorium is now open.
We have invested £4 million pounds on new buildings and 6 new cremation units, three of which are capable of handling the largest of dead people.
After a funeral service has taken place our automated systems will transport the coffin to the next available cremator, in the case of the larger dead all will travel by conveyor the 600 metres via a service tunnel to the new building.
Our larger cremators are in high demand thanks to the growing population of lard arses, this means that we will be handling the dead from other funeral directors around the south, this could mean up to a 24 hour delay from service to cremation, however all waiting dead will be kept in our new cold room, this cold room has been designed with dehumidifiers so don't worry about cardboard coffins degrading overnight.
Fat furnace cremator


Golden Chinese Cremation We are proud to announce the installation of our new GOLD PLATED Chinese cremation unit.
As is traditional with Chinese funerals our bill will be sent to the deceased's children if there are any, so if you're planning your own cremation choose this super expensive option to eat into their savings or inheritance.
Cremation prices start at a very reasonable £3000, bring your own joss sticks.
We hold no service at the cremation, we leave all this malarkey to the family, the £3000 does not include transport, this can be negotiated at our shop separately.
We also have some classy looking Chinese style coffins imported from India or another similar low wage economy. These coffins are designed to resemble the chunky wood used in coffins that last decades, but are in fact cremator safe chipboard.
Chinese Coffin
The Chin Ki Chonk £19,999 BuryCremate


Dead infant It's a sad fact that not everyone reaches old age before dying, and we sympathise with everyone who loses a child, however facts are facts and one sad fact is that we have sent more children up the chimney than the Victorians.
Infants and children up to 16 are FREE OF CHARGE, so it does pay to die young. We usually charge our cremators with infant coffins at the end of the day, there is enough heat to cremate them over night and save us gas, so kids are greener too. Infants often leave no remains to speak of due to lack of calcification, but we should have some spare laying about if you would like some to take home.
Midgets over 16 however small do not qualify for this discount, sorry.


Back door We often find ourselves asked by council run crematoria if we can handle some of their overflow, we stick to the law and cremate our dead within 72 hours and say no to the council scumbags, Tenpasenta Funeralsif they can't follow the rules they shouldn't take our business in the first place. Mark the vicar feels it unfair on the deceased relatives too if their loved one is being shipped around the counties in a van looking for a free crematorium, especially when the family thought it was all over and done with on the day of the funeral.
  Tenpasenta Church
Before you proceed and read the sentimental ways of disposing your loved ones bones, a quick notice.
We are unable or unwilling to remove all of the remains from the cremator, when the cremator is at the end of its run and cooled down, we clean as much as we can with an industrial vacuum cleaner. When we have a fair bit of ash in the vacuum we will dispose of the remains in an especially drilled hole, a kind of mass grave.
Remains spread in our garden of remembrance will be removed at the end of the week to make way for the next customers, these remains will be added to our mass grave, the spreading of remains in our grounds is purely symbolic, imagine if we didn't tidy up, the place would look like a lunar landscape.
Earth Auger
hovver up
A big question that comes up when arranging a cremation is what to do with the ashes.
If you choose our columbarium resting place or the morbid concept of keeping your beloveds ashes at home in an urn on the bookcase, you will have a focal point for your grief, grief that could last for years, trust me, why else would people keep putting poppies on our war memorial? But those of you who decided on the cheap option of an anonymous spreading of ashes in one of our shrubberies* will not have that focal point for grief that you may require in the future.
That is why we tagged onto the great idea of burying ashes in a shallow grave in our new Green cemetery, not only will we charge £450 for the cremation, but another £450 for burying them too, this will not only give a much needed focal point for loved ones, but also give us another cash cow, so we all win.
Ashes can be electronically marked for use with our grave scanner or simply add the co-ordinates to your Tom Tom or other mapping device.

*Hole drilled somewhere in the grounds.
Child grave
Chinese cradtsman Our team of drain builders have been busy building premium cremation burial plots from Crem Hole® these high quality compartments are an ideal resting place for a loved ones urn, each cover is manufactured to the highest ISO standards by Shanghai top quality tops Ltd, 上海便宜的廉價墓石.Crem Hole
These cheaply built niches may set you back a fair few quid, but remember you will be gaining a focal point to visit and leave discount petrol station flowers.
Crem holes are constructed using 95% ASHES2BRICKS™ meaning your departed loved one will never be alone.
From £1200
Cremation holes
  Tenpasenta Church
Ashes into space Twice per year we launch our own low orbit rockets, this really is a premium service for those wishing to have their ashes spread across the heavens.
Unlike America we send up all of the remains, not just a few grams, our goal is to lift the remains 2000km into low orbit, where they will remain for a couple of days before burning up again in the atmosphere.CryptAdvisor
Our new two stage North Korean rockets can carry the remains of up to 400 people, our best launch to date however crashed on Cowes High street on the Isle of Wight injuring 56, but at £5000per pop we're not about to give up on this profitable venture.
Synthetic Diamonds A popular option amongst the gullible is where we take the deceased loved ones ashes to our very own diamond factory here in Woolston and have some the carbon from these ashes converted into beautiful synthetic diamonds.
The diamonds are made via a patented thermal gradient method using alloys as a flux at pressures of 5.0–6.0 GPa and temperatures of 1,600–2,000 °C. The entire process, from cremation to finished stone, takes up to six months for a yellow gem and longer for a blue one.
Our unique undisclosed method actually involves throwing the ashes in the bin and providing low grade synthetic diamonds used for drill bits from a collection we bought in bulk, these could then be made into jewellery or just a keepsake.
Prices start at £2000.
Ashes to diamonds
Fireworks for human ashes A bonfire night favourite is where we pack the loved ones ashes into some illegal Chinese fireworks, depending on the size of the departed these could range from a box of bangers to a fireworks spectacular.
Book now for the November 5th fireworks display where we will be launching 10 tons of remains. Our Guy Fawkes bonfire will be provided by Budget Funerals cremations for that authentic feel with a real body.
Prices for fireworks start from only £90.
Swan vesta
church fire


Our fireworks spectacular this year was a great success financially, although our insurance company will be upset when they see our repair bill for the burned out church.
This was the first time our rocket actually reached orbit, however we'd like to apologise to those hoping to see their loved ones ashes flown into space, as Brian forgot to load them. If this has effected you, You're welcome to collect these ashes from our funeral office from Monday 10th November with a refund less 90% handling charge.
Tax included
Fancy ashes Bottled ashes from £80.
Have your loved ones ashes coloured and bottled into novelty shapes, you can do this yourself if you like.
If in the unlikely event you got board of looking at these beautiful pieces of art you could sell them on eBay, we're sure that the unsuspecting member of public who paid good money for it would never realise it was just some worthless old crap in a jar, sorry, your loved one.
Bottled ashes
  Tenpasenta Church
Ashwipes ash wipes
Fed up with cremated remains blowing back on your shoes? New Tenpasenta Ash wipes to the rescue! These specially formulated wipes are kind to patent leather and other gloss leather effects.
Rid your shoes of embarrassing relations remains. Coming in packs of 50, our ash wipes will be there for you and your family. These soft wipes are fully flushable and could come in handy for other personal uses.
Buy from our shop when you collect your loved ones ashes, available at an incredibly low price of only £4.
Bricks from human ashes For the past 8 years we have offered a unique Ashes2bricks™ service.
Your loved ones ashes will be mixed with quality cement, producing an average of eight standard bricks, these can then be taken home for use as a new doorstep for example, or donated to us.
Only £300.Approved
We would like to thank all those who paid to have their loved ones remains added to our latest construction projects, we now have enough bricks to complete our new Geriatric home ahead of schedule.
Other projects included two toilet blocks, the vicar's mini cinema, and a huge sale of 90,000 bricks to Southampton city Council for its network of road calming schemes, and at £2.20 per brick was a nice little earner!Brick from human ashes
Be sure to make your wishes known if you would like your own remains put to good use, future plans include a set of outdoor stairs, a smart car parking area and several internal partitions.
Our brick making factory in Netley near Southampton is open to the public and the building trade daily from 8.00am to 6.00pm.
We also have an on-site pet and medical waste cremator, bring along your dead pet for a swift and good value cremation, £60 for dogs, and £40 for cats, if you hang on you can take their ashes home after an hour, please do, we've got tons of the bloody stuff.
Film Film
ash bricks Home cinema Human ashes made into bricks Ashes 2 Bricks demo
Film Film
Cremsulation A new process developed by the Tenpasenta Industrial Group is cavity wall and loft insulation. These Cremgranules® are a composite of left over or donated cremated remains and the Vicars secret recipe® giving one of the world's highest heat to weight materials known to man, although this does reduce quickly once removed from the cremator.
What better way to remember a loved one than to have them keeping you warm in the winter from within your own homes walls or loft.
Special grants are available from the government which could cover the installation cost of the Cremsulation.
Cremsulation loft
cremsulation cremsulation
Child bollards The death of a child is a terrible event, especially for the child, but here at Tenpasenta Premium funerals we offer yet another unique service.
CHILD BOLLARDS, these bollards are made with reinforced cement mixed with the child's ashes, each bollard has a look, based on the deceased child’s actual features, and we even aim to get the ethnicity correct too.CryptAdvisor
You will find these bollards outside school gates to tell drivers when to slow down, and not add more children to the collection. We have several spare child bollards located outside our retirement and geriatric homes, they give the residents something to think about, many wonder what they are doing, some even take them sweets.
The bereaved will be told where their child's bollard is located so that they can make regular visits and admire our handy work or leave flowers. Only £1000 each.
If you are in any doubt as what to do with the remains make sure that our Crematorium staff are instructed to hold the ashes until you decide.
The scattering of ashes is generally an irrevocable act and has often bought regret and distress to families that did not understand the terminology or sequence of events.
Our sincere advice is to take time to consider the various options and only after you understand all the choices open to you, then make that decision.

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