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| CREMATION |
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| And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light, and at £400+ a throw, we saw it was good. |
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| HOT |
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We offer the only 4 Michelin star cremations available in southern England. |
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| At some point during the day (or week) the body will be
fed into one of our four gas cremators, it will remain there for around two hours
or more depending on how obese the body was. Early into the process we engage the countries only patent corpse basting system, this gives that even white finish to the ashes that relatives like to see when digging around in the urn with a biro. We collect 3 to 8 lbs. of bone fragments from a cremation, these take about an hour to cool, adding time for lunch or a trip to the shops, maybe go home and give the Mrs one. |
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cremation the remains of bones and teeth need to be ground into a fine powder, but only before large metal fragments or joints are removed for recycling (or not ). The final ashes are made by our high speed cremulator, it only takes 3 minutes to process the remains, giving our staff extra time for drinking tea and having a chat. Infants often leave no remains, but we should have some spare ash laying about if required. Once processed the remains are ready for your choice of urn, you can supply your own vessel, but expect a funny look if you did. |
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| Metal joints etc. are retained by us for recycling, but unlike many crematoria we keep the cash made. Due to backlogs that occur from time to time, not all bodies are cremated immediately after the service, these are kept in our fridge for a maximum of 72 hours by law, however these are usually disposed of within the week, nobody notices if we need to change the name on the coffin, don't worry, we don't tell the family about this, it’s nice to keep the illusion alive that there is some kind of system. Our standard cremation is only £400. |
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| Infants and children up to 12 are FREE OF
CHARGE, so it pays to die young. We always charge infant coffins at the end of the day, enough heat to cremate infants over night. Maybe a grieving parent could sneak around the back later in the day for a final grief stricken look, about £100 for one of our back room boys should cover it. Midgets over 12 however small do not qualify, however titchy they are, sorry. Big and fat bodies may need to be re-directed to our budget funeral pyres, we can't be arsed to invest in a larger cremator just for a handful of inconsiderate fat or tall dead people. |
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We are often asked by council run crematoria if we can handle some of their overflow, we stick to the law and cremate our dead within 72 hours, we say no to the council scumbags, Reverend Mark the vicar feels it unfair on the deceased relatives if their loved one is being shipped around the counties in a black van looking for a crematorium, especially just when they thought it was all over and done with, imagine the hearsette in a car crash. What's worse is that councils expect a trade discount, they can get knotted. |
| BULK |
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Before you proceed and read the sentimental ways of disposing your loved ones bones, a quick notice. We are unable or unwilling to remove all of the remains from the cremator, when the cremator is at the end of its run and cooled down, we clean as much as we can with an industrial vacuum cleaner. When we have a fair bit of ash in the vacuum we will dispose of the remains in an especially drilled hole, a kind of mass grave........ that's life for you. |
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| FUN |
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We offer great options for the use of, or disbursement of ashes. |
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| A popular option is where we take some of the deceased's ashes to our very own diamond factory here in Woolston, throw them in the bin, and pretend to have converted the carbon from these ashes into a beautiful synthetic diamond, this has in fact come from a collection we bought in bulk, you could then make this into jewellery or a keepsake. Prices start at £1000. A bonfire night favourite is where we pack the loved ones ashes into some illegal Chinese firework, depending on the size of the departed these can range from a box of bangers to a fireworks spectacular. Prices from only £90. |
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Twice per year we launch our own low orbit rockets, this really is a premium service for those wishing to have their ashes spread across the heavens. Unlike America we send up all of the remains, not just a few grams, our goal is to lift the remains 2000km into low orbit, where they will remain for a couple of days before burning up again in the atmosphere. Our new two stage North Korean rockets can carry the remains of up to 400 people, our best launch to date however crashed on Cowes High street on the Isle of Wight injuring 56, but at £5000 per head we're not about to give up on this profitable venture. Book now for the November 5th launch party and fireworks display. |
| INTERMENT |
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If you chose our columbarium resting place or the morbid concept of keeping your beloved's ashes at home in the bookcase, you will have a focal point for your grief, grief that could last for years, trust me, why else would people keep putting poppies on our war memorial? But those of you who decided on an anonymous spreading of ashes in one of our vegetable patches will not have that focal point you may require in the future. That is why we tagged onto the great idea of burying ashes in a shallow grave in our new Green cemetery, not only will we charge £400 for the cremation, but another £400 for burying them too, this will not only give a much needed focal point for loved ones, but also give us another cash cow, so we all win. From 2011 we are planning a special area dedicated to ashes only burials, we will be allowing special flat headstones that don't ruin the view from the vicarage, don't miss out by letting yourself or a loved one die too soon as we will not be allowing retro fitting of these stones. |
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CREM HOLES© |  |
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| Our team of drain builders have been busy building "Crem holes". These beautiful high quality compartments are ideal for your loved ones urn, we have negotiated some excellent prices for marble tops thanks to Shanghai top quality tops Ltd, 上海便宜的廉價墓石. These cheaply built niches will set you back a fair few quid, but remember you will have a nice focal point to visit and leave discount petrol station flowers at. Tenpasenta Premium funerals bring you the very best in after cremation ideas, in fact these Crem holes are constructed with 90% ASHES2BRICKS™, so your departed loved one will never be alone. |
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| ASHES2BRICKS™ |
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For the past 8 years we have offered a unique Ashes2bricks™ service. Your loved ones ashes will be mixed with quality cement, producing an average of eight standard bricks, these can then be taken home for use as a new doorstep for example, or donated to us. We put these donated (usually uncollected) bricks to good use within the Tenpasenta estate and in the local community for worthwhile projects, thanks to Southampton city council for taking 90,000 off our hands. |
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| We would like to thank all those who paid to have their loved ones remains added to our latest construction projects, we now have enough bricks to complete our New Geriatric home ahead of schedule.
Other projects included two toilet blocks, the vicar's mini cinema, and a huge sale to Southampton city Council's network of road calming schemes, and at £1.20 per brick was a nice little earner! Be sure to make your wishes known if you would like your own remains put to good use, future plans include a set of outdoor stairs, a smart car parking area and several internal partitions. Our brick making factory in Netley is open to the public and building trade daily from 8.00am to 6.00pm. We have an on-site pet and medical waste cremator, bring along your dead pet for a swift and good value cremation, £60 for dogs, and £40 for cats, if you hang on you can take their ashes, please do, we've got tons of the bloody stuff. |
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| CREMSULATION |
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A new process developed by the Tenpasenta Industrial Group, is cavity wall and loft insulation. These Cremgranules® are a composite of left over or donated cremated remains, and the Vicars secret recipe®, giving one of the world’s highest heat insulation to weight materials known to man, although this does reduce quickly once removed from the cremator. What better way to remember a loved one than to have them keeping you warm in the winter from within your own homes walls or loft. Special grants are available from the government which could cover the installation cost of the Cremsulation, you can't go wrong with this one if you're on benefits. |
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| BOLLARDS |
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The death of a child is a terrible event, especially for the child, but here at Tenpasenta Premium funerals we offer yet another unique service. CHILD BOLLARDS, these bollards are made with reinforced cement mixed with the child's ashes, each bollard has a look, based on the deceased's actual features, and we even aim to get the ethnicity correct too. You will find these bollards outside school gates to tell drivers when to slow down, and not add more children to the collection. We have several spare child bollards located outside our retirement and geriatric homes, they give the residents something to think about, many wonder what they are doing, some even take them sweets. The bereaved will be told where their child's bollard is located so that they can make regular visits and admire our handy work or leave flowers. Only £1000 each. |
| SOUVENIRS |
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Bottled ashes from £80. Have your loved ones ashes coloured and bottled into novelty shapes, you can do this yourself if you like. If in the unlikely event you got board of looking at these beautiful pieces of art you could sell them on eBay, we're sure that the unsuspecting member of public who paid good money for it would never realise it was just some worthless old crap in a jar, sorry, your loved one. |
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