Funeral extras.

EXTRAS

A little extra sleep, a little more slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, for a few more quid a lot more.

DVD

All premium funerals are now available to buy on DVD for your family’s entertainment. Never forget a moment of your loved ones departure, see behind the scenes as we follow their journey from mortuary to grave, if they are to be cremated you can watch in awe as their remains are engulfed in the ruthle7ss flames of the cremator.
Only £100.
Get the Blu-ray version in full 1080p that has our directors cut with unseen Extras including:
Funny out-takes,
Commentaries from those involved,
Pall bearer-cam,
and even an alternative ending!
Only £160.

	3D now available!! Only £500. A compatible 3D television is required so we hear.

TISSUES

Make the most of your public mourning with our Tenpasenta own brand Lily scented tissues.
Why not buy several boxes and give them to your friends who forgot to turn up, that should guilt trip them.
Ask for our added menthol tissues to guarantee your tears of sorrow, ideal for those who know they're in for a nice little earner from the dearly departed ones Will.
ONLY £3.99 for a box of 55 3ply tissues.

KEEPSAKE

Our latest line in Keepsakes are a sight to behold, many bereaved would like a sample of their loved ones remains to keep with them at all times (mad).
We feel that many keepsakes offered by other funeral directors to be a little small and tacky. That's why our keepsakes break the mould by being able to hold all of the ashes if required.

They look great and make an interesting talking point while out shopping or down the pub.
£250 each is a price well worth paying in our opinion. Price does not include chain.

BENEATH

One funeral garment often neglected is fluid proof coffin knickers and other unusual under apparel. As the body decays the last thing you want is seepage ruining the smart new funeral clothes or gown you've just purchased. Don't bank on the fact that the body may have been half pickled, and that every cavity and orifice bunged up with wadding, and other absorbing products, leaks happen, the addition of fluid resistant underwear is a must for the fashion conscious corpse.
These beautifully hand fitted items should be ordered before the embalming process, although sometimes fitted as normal practice for free, ordering early will not only give you a choice of colour, but will also guarantee you get a full matching set.

EMBALMING

Enjoy one of our quality embalming suites, with over ten available we offer employment to newly qualified embalmers from all over Southampton.
This process although not really 100% necessary does bring in a nice little profit for us, so we recommend it be done in every case, it's not often we find a job that is done for hygiene reasons to protect us that we can charge you.
If you wish the body to be viewed at our drive thru chapel of rest, then this should be done, ugly melting grey/green bloated bodies are not a nice way to remember a loved one, although those who do like this can watch via coffincam, a great innovation for the morbid.

SEX

Death erection, or Angel lust is a very common Priapism occurrence at death, most noticeable in men.
This is an opportunity not to be missed, this will be your last chance to have full sexual intimacy with your dearly departed husband or boyfriend.
If we notice a full erection or usable semi, we will let you know immediately so that you have a last chance to have that final knee trembler with your loved one.
We will leave you alone in our luxurious mortuary for up to twenty minutes, if you're still at it after this time we may begin the autopsy or embalming anyway.
Apparently you’re never too old to enjoy a fulfilling sex life, in this case even after death.
Only £50.

CASTS

What better way to remember your loved one, than by paying us to make a cast of their distinguishing features.

Face cast or Death mask, this has been a popular choice for centuries, even in these days of digital photography it's still fairly popular.
This old idea has a very strong following amongst those bereaved who are blind, without the ability to flick through photographs keeping their loved ones face cast on a shelf or in a shoe box is a great comfort.
We recommend that this not be done on the long dead or crash victims with facial damage, the results could be a bit scary, and not what you want on your mantelpiece.
We do offer a pre-death service, but how you would know when to come in just before you die is a trick we've never learned, why not come in every year for a new cast, just to be on the safe side and keep your cast up to date.
Only £200.

Hand cast, we are able to manipulate the deceased's hands into a variety of amusing positions, a list of which is available on request.
The hand cast is a great opportunity to study the lines of the palm, and work out if that life line idea is real, telling you just how long you could have left to live if it were.
If the deceased had only one hand or less, we can take casts of their stumps instead, allowing you to scare the crap out of people when you stick it out of your sleeve.
Only £80.

Penis cast, this is a very popular choice with ladies and homosexuals alike, keep it hidden in your sock draw for those lonely nights of grief ahead.
With careful use of very high pressure embalming fluid we are able to cast an erect member that is of the maximum size possible, this can be up to 25% larger than the living erection! 1, 2, 3 or 4! AA batteries will be required to benefit from the embedded vibrating unit installed to a deluxe cast. All men are not made equal!
Why not try one from our large stock selection instead.
Only £40

Breast cast, we recommend these be done while the lady is living, it will not affect the final result, but it does make the process more enjoyable for us.
You can select a plaster cast or a natural texture and feel set, a great way to remember a departed loved one. If they had undergone a mastectomy, I shouldn't bother.
Clay/plaster cast only £60.
Natural latex cast only £180.
We no longer offer vaginal casts due to unsatisfactory results, however our cervical dilation models are available to hire from our maternity unit for weekend use. £20.

HEADSTONES

We have developed our own line of Premium plastic headstones.
At first look you would think these were standard marble headstones, but no, these headstones have a dual use, they have an integrated lid and hollow interior, ideal for putting day old flowers or trimmed grass from your loved ones scruffy grave.
Of course we don't allow headstones to be left in our green cemetery over night, so that's where the wheels come in handy, you can easily wheel your loved ones headstone to our graveyard from home, then push it home again, the local council may even empty your grave waste for you.
Elderly bereaved will find that these gravestones also make ideal walking frames, and could replace a tartan trolley bag on shopping trips to Spar.

Tenpasenta Premium Funerals, giving you more.

Prices start at only £220

BENCH


	For only £2500 you can dedicate a beautifully hand crafted in China granite bench. These useful memorials will be placed at handy locations around the estate, ideal for a tired member of staff to have a rest. We have situated two benches conveniently outside our newly British built public convenience, 80% Ashes2bricks™. Real Quality.

GIFT


	The ultimate gift for the man or woman who thinks they have everything, assisted suicide. What a great surprise gift that will give them something to think about, we even arrange economy flights to Switzerland for two leaving that very day, complementary champagne containing barbiturates in a marked bottle should get the

show on the road, in their dazed state they will be happy enough to sign all the forms, make sure they have signed their latest Will.
Once they have finished choking to death give us a call, and we will have them DHL'ed back to Southampton for the inclusive funeral.
You can send a Dignitas gift voucher any time of year and to as many people that you can afford to send them to, our special deal with Dignitas management means we can offer all this for a flat £25,000.
Pop in at your convenience and arrange somebody else's suicide!

ABROAD

It's a sad fact than many people inconveniently die while abroad, dirty old men who get over excited in sleazy parts of Thailand for example.
We offer a repatriation service that stands head and shoulders above many dedicated dead body return companies. By using a convenient loophole in airlines courier regulations, we can use the deceased as a courier, not only will the body be repatriated in good time, but you could also benefit from some duty free goods. Each consignment will be given a unique delivery number that can be tracked on your own computer, giving you the option to meet the deceased at arrivals, or send us instead.
72hr, 96hr and 120 hour repatriations are available, we have a slower and cheaper overland option, however we cannot guarantee that the loved one will be fit for a family viewing after two weeks or more on the road.

Body/Courier enroute to the UK, this time on Thai International

MOMENTO

	We offer a special memento service, this is where you can put an item into the coffin with your dearly departed, rules are quite strict for cremations, but most things are fair game for burials. Common items include family photographs, old love letters, memorable jewellery, old credit card bills, and mobile phones (just in case), in fact anything that the departed loved one loved in life, can be put into their coffin with them, but please be sure that you have selected a sound proof coffin or casket if you intend putting in their beloved pet, as the sounds of pets crying from within during the funeral service can prove to be distressing to the mourners.

ELDERLY


	Elderly people can be a financial liability when they keep going on and on.
	Having an elderly relative who refuses to pass on can be a damn nuisance, especially if they are spending your inheritance on a geriatric care home like ours. This is why we sell specially rigged LIFEPAK 12, BiPhasic, AED Defibrillators. When your loved elderly one has fallen asleep simply use the defibrillators to stop their heart, this could take a few attempts, but our free instruction pack will explain all the details, keep to hand the paper read out to show any Ambulance crew if they were called early in error. This powerful defibrillator and guaranteed flat line monitor does not come cheap, but think of the care savings. ONLY £2500