Full details of all our Premier funeral products and prices are available in our informative "So you're about to die" leaflet.
We distribute these leaflets free of charge to all residential geriatric homes and hospices in the area.
Residential care staff will be pleased to learn that we now offer 10% commission for all successful leads.
For your own free copy of "So you're about to die" send £5 and a self-addressed envelope to:
I was too lazy to come and get a leaflet,
Reverend Mark Collyer,
Tenpasenta Church Estate,
Wooston,
Southampton.

Welcome to the new Tenpasenta Bereavement Mail Service.
As we all know getting junk mail and bills through the post addressed to a deceased loved one can be very distressing, and getting this mail stopped can be difficult, moreover by stopping the mail 100% could deprive you of some very handy cheque's or pension books, which would be a shame.

By signing up to the Tenpasenta Bereavement Mail Service means we will handle the deceased's mail for you. By redirecting their mail to us and sorting out the crap from lucrative money making opportunities, which we will then forward to you.
If we come across cash, in a birthday card for example, this may be liberated to help cover handling costs.
Each year we will review your account and advise you when only rubbish mail is being received, you can then authorise us to stop all their future mail once and for all.
Only £100 pa.

You may want to ask for flowers from family only and suggest that other mourners make donations to a nominated charity, us for example.
This is a great idea once you see how much flowers cost these days, in addition to the fact that many geriatric care homes have funeral flowers donated to them after a service for fellow residents, imagine the fear this brings the old folks as they become surrounded in coffin sprays and in deepest sympathy cards.
Although the Tenpasenta Church has yet to be granted charity status due to not greasing the right palms, they are more than happy to accept donations from the gullible. Payments above £500 should be made in cash to the Tenpasenta donations representative present at every funeral, other payments can be made securely online with your credit or debit card through our Paypal account. Thank You.