Funeral plans

PLANS

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD", but you'd better tell us what you want.

ALL-IN

From only £6000 buys you: Funeral Directors services and arrangements. Collection of the deceased bringing them into our death warehouse. (Any time of day is good for us on this plan!) Provision of a coffin to the value of £1600* fully fitted and lined (Not with the cheap stuff). Any special requirements regarding clothing will be adhered to; alternatively we can dress them in one of our fantastic funerary garments at no extra cost. Hygienic treatment to ensure the body is preserved to such a high specification that should the body be exhumed within 50 years they would still be recognisable as human. No time restrictions on visits to our 24 hour drive thru chapel of rest. Provision of Hearse and six Pall Bearers, 8 official mourners and two crying ladies (limited choice of ethnicity). This Plan does not include disbursements, but does include crematorium/chapel/Premium Church, additional limousines (up to 6) and flowers (1). Obituaries etc can all be arranged at an additional cost. *If a higher priced coffin is desired, just subtract £1600 from that coffins cost.

BASIC

Not so hot, but popular. From only £3200 buys you: Funeral Directors services and arrangements. Collection of the deceased bringing them into our care at the death warehouse. (During Office Hours Only) Provision of 1 basic Cheapskate coffin, fully fitted and lined (worth £120!). Any special requirements regarding clothing will be considered but not acted upon; alternatively we can dress them in one of our basic gowns, otherwise known as The Sheet. Hygienic treatment to ensure the body is safe for us to handle. Some time restrictions on visits to our 24 hour drive thru chapel of rest (21.00-07.00). Provision of Hearse and three Pall Bearers. A basic cremation or woodland burial. This Plan does not include any disbursements. Additional limousines, flowers, obituaries, etc can be arranged at an additional cost, that will bump it up a bit. Many people on low incomes (except pensioners) may be entitled to a Bereavement Payment of £2000, you would be surprised by just how many of our funerals come to that very amount (see below), we suggest that you use this £2000 as a starting point for calculating costs, degrees of extra fanciness should be added to suit your budget and your personal feelings of the deceased's worth.

DIRECT

Even Premium Funerals start somewhere and our Direct is that starting point. Direct Disposition is by far our favourite. From only £2000 buys you: Once the deceased is in our hands we do everything, there will be no formal service before a cremation, in fact there will be no involvement of any surviving family members. Ideal for single people, or lonely and neglected geriatrics. We will take the body for disposition at a convenient time for us, once all proper paperwork is completed. This Plan does not include any disbursements.

D.I.Y.

Buying a coffin ahead of your death is a great way to save money, you will even get a smart coffee table to talk about with your friends. But please don't do it, thinking that you have been clever by cutting the funeral director's profits could come back and hit you in the face.
Albert Driver is one such clever clogs cheapskate customer. His wife called us to say that he was ready to collect and that he was already in his coffin, bloody cheek.
We sent two lads around with instructions to carry him out of sight and let him arrange his own delivery too. Job done, he never arrived. Shame.

CHARADE

Top of the range hearse.

Top of the range coffin.

Top of the range floral tributes.

Our new CHARADE option is a real must have for those wanting to watch their inheritance, yet give the impression of spending a large slice of it on a spectacular looking funeral.
This is a cremation only service.
The deceased will be in our care from the first minute, it will be sent to the crematorium in a cardboard coffin and disposed of at a suitable time for us.
However on your chosen funeral day we will rent you a luxury hearse, rent you a luxury (weighted) coffin, and a luxury spray of flowers with your name on it. The funeral will then go ahead as normal, mourners will be amazed at the luxury funeral going on before their eyes, little knowing the the deceased may have been cremated two days earlier, or even lounging in a refrigerator for another week.
The Charade will give you a £5000 funeral for only £2800, a bargain if ever we saw one!

PROFESSIONAL

Why not hire one or more of our professional female mourners.
Costing only £60 each for up to three hours, they turn any funeral into a truly sad occasion. Chosen for their expert facial expressions, we recommend you ask for a sad look, but that's really up to you.
Ask to browse our catalogue when you plan your funeral.
For some strange reason they are all Polish.

OFFER

An exclusive offer
for our rich terminally ill customers.

Many rich people deserve extra care in their last hours because having money means they are better than the rest of us.
We also understand that because they have a big ego to be pandered to they will have purchased expensive cars to be seen get around in. These cars often hold a special place in their heart as it reflects their own self importance. What worse thing could there be for a rich person, than to be seen arriving at our mortuary in one of our cheap old 2008 Mercedes private ambulances?
If you are rich and about to die, but still able to drive yourself to our death warehouse in your flash car, you will qualify for free parking at our mortuary car park, just leave your keys and signed over to us log book at the reception. Our staff will lead you to the dedicated morgue waiting area where nature will eventually take its course.
Imagine the pleasure it will bring in knowing that you were never seen being transported in a fashion only common poor people deserve.
On a side note, we have several top marques for sale at one of our sister companies:
Mark's Morgue Marques Motors.
MOT's from £35, free retest.