quality products

QUALITY

The foundations were laid with large stones of good quality, and our stuff aint half bad either.

AUTOPSY

When you require a second autopsy for your loved one, maybe for a lucrative insurance claim, we are the people to come to.
We have a 60% success rate in finding alternative causes of death from the first official post-mortem examination.
NO WIN NO FEE.
Our skilled Premium autopsy team can work for either the family, or the insurance company, in this situation we operate a Sealed Bid Auction, this is the fairest way to determine the appropriate outcome, well it works best financially for us, and that's what really counts, isn't it? Bid high is our advice!
After the "Post post-mortem" is done, and no more legal problems are envisaged, we can then go ahead with a Premium "posted" embalming.
Posted embalming's can involve a lot of cavity filler, and the embalming fluid can be a little difficult, we like to highlight the potential problems so that we can increase the price, all the same to us to be honest.
We have a special Butterball freezer for all those corpses that will be in our care for some time, some inquests can take months, but don't expect the unfrozen to hang around in a fit state while you wait for the legal system to come to a conclusion, so be aware that your dearly departed could still be frozen solid on the day of being cremated, kind of ironic really.

CONSTRUCTION

All of our premium coffins reach the very high construction standards that are required by any disposable box.
You can rest assured that the deceased will be laid to rest in the best quality coffin available from our store room, no matter what price has been paid. All of our coffins use the same basic materials, wood veneered style chipboard and galvanised Screws.
Our chipboard panels are made from the finest wood chips brushed from the highest quality sawmill floors in China. It is the workmanship involved in selecting veneer styles for each coffin with wood effects from around the world however that dictates the final price, cheap wood effects like pine are at the lower price range, whereas a rain forest sourced effect like teak will be beyond the pocket of most.

Cheap & Nasty, just right for a mid priced cremation coffin.

Each coffin comes fitted with brass effect handles that we charge 90% of the cost of real brass (unless you buy bulk), these moulded plastic handles can withstand the very hardest of looking at, they are cremator safe too which saves our operatives time taking off real ones for us to resell.
We always keep good stocks of cheap coffins, even the richest of clients gag at our best coffin prices. Remember, the person in the box couldn't care less what the coffin cost, but if you do need to impress your invited friends and relatives we have the coffin or American style casket for you.

STOCK

	Visit our vast coffin showroom, these may not be as flash as our designer range, but they do represent the best quality in standard Premier coffins

FITTING

Many elderly people develop a hunched back, as you can imagine fitting into a normal coffin could be a puzzle.
Tenpasenta Premium funerals offer Shiatsu back pummelling, guaranteed to return the spine to its original state.
Remember the price of paying for the avoidance of the face being pressed against the coffin lid is a longer coffin, the price of which will be added to the £120 Kyphosis removal.

CUT

You are very welcome to have your loved one buried or cremated in their own luxurious clothing, and when you've seen the price of our gowns we expect you will.
Remember that clothing will be cut up the back prior to fitting, like all funeral directors we can't be arsed to handle bodies too much, especially the big fat ones, so if you wanted any expensive clothing returned after the service it will be damaged.
We have a box of precut shirts and trousers donated by furious women prior to or after a divorce, only £10 per set, quality and value, a phrase not often used in this industry.
Don't forget many items cannot go into a coffin due for cremation, but if you have expensive items like a Rolex watch or Porsche sports car that you had hoped to put in the coffin, hand them (and the keys) to one of our staff members after the service, and we'll come to some arrangement.

CLOTHING

Premium Funerals are proud to introduce the winter, spring, summer and autumn Funeral wear collection 1965 onwards.
Don't let your loved one rot in anything but the best funerary wear. These specially designed outfits allow us to easily dress the departed, yet give a fantastic fashionable look while lying in an open coffin for viewing.
By using only man-made fibres not only allows us to benefit from cheap manufacturer costs, but also means that should there be an exhumation within 100 years the colours will still be vibrant.
We recommend these easily flammable garments for cremation too, in these days of environmental awareness having your departed one dressed in one of these garments will reduce gas consumption by up to 1% when combined with the body’s natural combustibility. Well worth the extra cost, and increased profitability of the funeral to us.

THE BLUE FEMALE £70

THE SPOTTY £110

This is a very popular choice for some reason, its timeless lines appeal to every age group, teens to trannies feel at home in this beautiful garment.
Stupid looking hat £81,100 extra.

This classic dress is often bought by canny family members as a gift for their elderly relative, making it a great investment. When they croak, just check out her wardrobe for this number and you're quids in!

THE BLUE MALE £100		THE WAIST LINE £110
The Blue is a top of the range funeral get up, these garments have a split around the back from arse to collar, and are becoming very popular amongst the gay community as casual wear.		If you've lost the departed ones wedding suit, this splendid looking brown number will fit the bill. Guaranteed to give a distinguished look, to even the roughest looking dead man or boy.

GOWNS

Tenpasenta range of premium funeral gowns.
Gowns being very basic means we can have a tasty blonde bird to model.


THE BASIC BLUE £60	THE BASIC PINK £60	THE LUXURY SILK £180
Head to toe perfection in white cotton.	Head to toe perfection in pink cotton.	Head to toe luxury in simulated silk.

AMERICAN

Since interesting pictures were shown on TV of caskets that had been forced up by floodwaters in Texas, we've been getting requests for the same rugged looking caskets to be added to our vast range.
We agree they look great, even after 50 years underground, so we imported two 196oz bronze lead lined caskets from America for trials, but there were problems:

Our first test began after the death of a local toff, straight away the weighty casket crippled two of our elderly pallbearers on the short walk up the hill from hearse to grave site. It then pulled the remaining two old codgers into the grave as they tried to lower it. Not the most dignified burial, although several mourners were amused and we often appear on "you've been framed" after sending in the video, not only do we get £200 per showing, but some fantastic free advertising.
The second casket had its lead lining removed as our staff refused to handle it until it was, however weight was still an issue, but nowhere near the original 850kg, but still heavy.
It wasn't until the casket was wheeled into the cremation chapel that a big mistake was noticed. Doctor Gupta Ashira had requested on his deathbed that his family buy the best coffin available in Southampton, and for them to charge his coffin into the cremator. they then choose our £20,000 casket, and our junior salesman Brian couldn't believe his luck and sold it to them no questions asked, the silly twat.

50 years and still good, I doubt the same could be said for inside.

We hoped to get away with it by letting them charge it into an unlit cremator, and giving the family some ashes out of the bin the next day.
But the family refused to leave until they saw the body burn through the inspection hatch. Only the fires of Hell could turn that casket to ashes, so we decided to make up a story. We told them that this was a new "Green cremation" system, designed not to turn the body into liquid, in the same way my Mother could liquefy the toughest steak in her damn pressure cooker. Luckily they bought into this ridiculous notion, and after three hours they happily took their Father away in two thermos flasks and a buckled coffin of pleasant smelling soup. One for the books!

It was after these events that we decided to offer only two American caskets in our range, the "Bling" wooden casket which is full of exciting electronic gadgets, everything a dead VIP would or did die for, such as built in DAB radio, satellite TV with 3D, broadband internet and more. Although suitable for cremation we advise burial only so that the deceased can benefit from these costly additions.
Our other casket is the "Jackson" it is 24ct gold plated luxury and with our huge mark-up we can afford to rent handling equipment for the day of burial.