Funeral Urns.

URNS

"Because phur, that is, the lot, was cast into the urn" A bit like your dearly departed?

UNIQUE

The Tenpasenta Church is the only funeral specialist whose craftsmen select beautiful urns from retailers that don't specialise in ripping off the bereaved.
Our urns are not the tatty mass produced rubbish that many funeral directors like to sell at ridiculous prices, but urns that look and feel like popular household items. These unique pieces of "art" are indistinguishable from the original item that they are based upon, even down to the box they come in and the shop receipt that would have come with it had we actually bought them.
Customers feel happy in the knowledge that their loved one is resting in an item that does not send shivers down the spine of visiting house guests.



Our designer urns are available from only £50 up to a startling £500. Regular style urns are also available from our funeral sales store at equally inflated prices.

Massive stocks of urns available in case of local mass disaster.

Remember to choose an urn that will big big enough to hold all the ashes, otherwise the excess will be thrown in the bin.

You can use these very expensive urns for the function on the box too.

CHINESE

	We have just received our new collection of Chinese vase style urns. It has taken our suppliers in Beijing 300 years to complete our order, the first vase-urn sample was "lost" 150 years ago, but it was recently "found" in London, then sold for £43,000,000, Mark the vicar said that it was one of our most successful advertising campaigns to date, even though it has taken a few generations of Collyer's to come into fruition. Our large windfall will not mean any change to our business plan, but may hasten the purchase of a large island in the British virgin islands to be called Vicar Island. You too can now buy one of our limited edition* Chinese urns at a knockdown price of only £1000 each. Visit our funeral office today and marvel at the imagined quality of these far from unique mass produced pieces of art. These urns will look great atop any bookcase or shelf, pure unadulterated funerary luxury.
	200,000*
	Only £1000

KEEPSAKE

This high-gloss wedge shaped box clock offers a hinged cover with a photo frame. The sealed photo opening is 3-1/4".
A plate for engraving has been professionally engraved, and mounted to the front, it conceals openings to securely store 2 keepsake capsules. The clock features a glass crystal effect face, a polished 9 carat gold tone, waterfall style bezel (whatever that is).
Finished in Rosewood Hall on preselected hardwoods and veneers.
Dimensions: H 3" (7cm), W 5.5" (14cm), D 4.25" (11cm)

Working clock, quality zero jewel Chinese element!

Unfortunately due to a minor error, all of these fantastic Keepsakes come only with a lovely photo of Reverend Mark the vicar, and have been engraved only with the Tenpasenta logo..
But at only £125 each you'd be a damn fool not to buy one or two.
Remember in 70 years or so nobody cares what their dearly long departed looked like anyway, and to be honest most don't really care, I asked my kids if they would like to see a photo of their Grandma, they said no, and she's not dead yet, Ancestry...what a load of bollocks.

INFORMATION

Only the applicant for cremation can collect the ashes from our crematorium, this could be a problem if you had arranged your own funeral. Leave a signed letter with the person you would like to come and collect them, that always cheers them up.
We reserve the right to throw uncollected ashes in the bin after a year, we also offer this service for £30, bin men come every Tuesday if you want to come and wave goodbye to your loved one.
We also stock normal looking urns at inflated prices, what costs us £7 costs you £50, great.

COLUMBARIUM

If you choose cremation, and 70% do, why not take a look at our Premium subterranean columbarium for the Great and the Good. Thousands of niches to suit any premier budget, pictures are available on the main Tenpasenta Church site under Kids club.
Located in a special wing of our half mile complex is an ultra special niche room, these exclusive niches are priced from only £15,000 per year, and come with a guaranteed* no disinterment policy.
These resting places really are pure indulgence.

*Not guaranteed.