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Urns

 
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  • Make life's final journey better than other people's •

QUALITY URNS

urns
We stock normal looking brass urns at inflated prices, what costs us £50 costs you £230.
Above Mark the vicar is holding a sample of our "normal" urns, choose from either left or right.
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  Tenpasenta Church

DESIGNER URNS

Bereavement TaxThe Tenpasenta Church is the only funeral specialist who select beautiful urns from manufacturers that don't specialise in trying to rip off the bereaved.
Our chosen urns are not the tatty mass produced brass rubbish from India that many funeral directors like to sell at ridiculous prices (but they are available), but urns that look and feel like popular household items. These unique pieces of "art" are indistinguishable from the original item that they are based upon, even down to the original box they would have come in, even the receipt that would have come with it had we actually bought one on the day you ordered it.
Customers will feel happy in the knowledge that their loved ones ashes are resting in an item that does not send shivers down the spine of visiting house guests.
The Regular £250 The Racer £250 The Northern £250
The Steam £350 The Barrel  £350 The Slow £350
The Fry £550 The Transistor £550 The Urn £550
Urn stock Crying or laughing Urn stock

KEEPSAKE URNS

Our latest line in Keepsakes are a sight to behold, we have found that many bereaved like to keep a sample of their loved ones ashes with them at all times, (mad?).
Many keepsakes offered by other funeral directors appear to be a small and tacky. That's where our full sized keepsakes break the mould by being able to hold all of the deceased persons ashes.
They look great and make an interesting talking point while out shopping or down the pub.
£250 Price does not include a chain.
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  Tenpasenta Church
URN CONVERSIONS
  Urn
After the first few weeks or days of grief you may not want to be reminded of your loved ones sad demise, especially by looking at their cremated remains in an urn.
We offer a wide range of funeral urns that are designed to look like every day objects, but if you had opted for a conventional urn we are able to customise them into useful objects that will not bring up sad memories.
Our most popular conversions are the "Tissue Box" only £120 and "The Vase" for only£80.
CHINESE URN
Chinese We have just received our new collection of Chinese vase style urns. It has taken our suppliers in Beijing 300 years to complete our order, the first vase-urn sample was "lost" 150 years ago, but it was recently "found" in London, then sold for £20 million Mark the vicar said that it was one of our most successful advertising campaigns to date, even though it has taken a few generations of Collyer's to come into fruition. Our large windfall will not mean any change to our business plan, but may hasten the purchase of a large island in the British virgin islands to be called Vicar Island.
You too can now buy one of our limited edition* Chinese urns at a knock-down price of only £1000 each.
Visit our funeral office today and marvel at the imagined quality of these far from unique mass produced pieces of art.
These urns will look great atop any bookcase or shelf, pure unadulterated funerary luxury.

200,000*
Chinese
THATCHER URN
The Coal Bucket Was your loved one a right wing nut job?
Did they support the Poll tax?
Were they happy when the Tories defeated the unions?
Yes?
Well now is the chance to buy our beautifully hand crafted coal scuttle urn, "The Thatcher".
Your loved one will look stunning in this memento of Britain’s coal mining industry.
You will have hours of beautiful memories to explain as you are asked time and time again "why a coal scuttle?" Only £700.
This is a limited time offer as most Margaret Thatcher fans will all be dead within twenty years, at which time it will be withdrawn from sale, buy now!
Thatcher
   
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KEEPSAKE BOX
  • This high-gloss wedge shaped box clock offers a hinged cover with a photo frame. The sealed photo opening is 3-1/4".
  • A plate for engraving has been professionally engraved, and mounted to the front, it conceals openings to securely store 2 keepsake capsules. The clock features a glass crystal effect face, a polished 9 carat gold tone, waterfall style bezel (whatever that is).
  • Finished in Rosewood Hall on preselected hardwood and veneers.
  • Dimensions: H 3" (7cm), W 5.5" (14cm), D 4.25" (11cm)
Keepsake Clock
Unfortunately due to a minor error, all of these fantastic Keepsakes come only with a lovely photo of Lord Sir Jimmy Savile, but they do have a lovely engraved Tenpasenta logo.
Only £125 each, you'd be a damn fool not to buy one or two.
Remember in 70 years or so nobody cares what their dearly long departed looked like anyway, and to be honest Tenpasentamost don't really care, I asked my kids if they would like to see a photo of their Grandma, they said no, and she's not dead yet.
Ancestry...what a load of bollocks.
COLUMBARIUM COMPLEX
If you choose cremation, and 70% do, why not take a look at our Premium subterranean columbarium for the Great and the Good. Thousands of niches to suit any premier budget, pictures are available on the main Tenpasenta Church site under Kids club.
Located in a special wing of our half mile complex is an ultra special niche room, these exclusive niches are priced from only £15,000 per year, and come with a guaranteed* no disinterment policy.
Premium FuneralsThese resting places really are pure indulgence.


*Not guaranteed.
columbarium
 
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COLLECTION OF ASHES
Only the applicant for cremation can collect the ashes from our crematorium, this could be a problem if you had arranged your own funeral. Leave a signed letter with the person you would like to come and collect them, that idea always cheers them up.
We reserve the right to throw uncollected ashes in the bin after a year, we also offer this service for £30, bin men come every Tuesday if you want to come and wave goodbye to your loved one.
Though all cremated remains once passed through the cremulator look identical we promise to try to give you the right ones.
Cremated remains collection
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Copyright M. Collyer

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