Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious
Tenpasenta Church home
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It's a little advertised fact that you don't need to use a funeral director at all, but if you do please choose us because we're great!
The average cost for a funeral in the UK is £7,600 but not here! For the sake of exclusivity we like to double that figure, nobody likes to see their relatives leave this world like Mr or Mrs average.
Tenpasenta Church Premium Funerals is an exclusive independent funeral director for the wealthy or generally ostentatious.
With about 37,000 people dying in England and Wales monthly we realise that we need to offer exclusive services that stand out from the other funeral directors gagging for your business, and we like to think we provide the highest quality funeral services money can buy. We are well respected amongst the grave trade and public alike. The wealthy 'BABY BOOMER' generation is now our top customer and business is brisk, book early to avoid disappointment.
Coffin in hearse sold


Premium Funerals Reception
Premium FuneralsA warm welcome awaits you at the Tenpasenta Premium funeral reception, not just because we're glad to meet wealthy customers, but because all our heating is plumbed directly from our crematorium heat exchangers, by doing this we like to give the impression of being Green, when in fact we're just saving money.

We offer a facility to book a funeral service up to five years in advance, although this is seldom taken advantage of by those outside the trade and underworld criminals, but it's there all the same and could guarantee you a weekend slot or a nice summer funeral.
High-speed interments are popular and we can guarantee a maximum 10 days from death to urn, that means we can get you collected and cremated quicker than you can make an appointment to see your doctor to find out what you were dying of in the first place, burials can take longer unless you choose our very own green burial site here in Southampton.
Remember it's best not to call us until you have confirmed the death and a certificate has been issued for the Registrar because we can't do much without it.
If you're planning ahead or just checking our fantastical prices why not pop in for a look.
Mark Collyer
Tenpasenta funeral chapel Southampton Our main chapels are located next to our Church gift shop which mourners will conveniently have to pass through on their exit, souvenirs of your visit are available for purchase, including a choice of photos taken on your way in.
Although our chapels are located within the crematorium building, they also cater for burial ceremonies, we just don't play the closing the screen around the coffin game with burials.
We recently opened our second chapel to cater for increased demand for premium cremations, it's not as posh as the main chapel but does the job nicely, and it's £10 cheaper.Premium Funerals
Due to time restraints we have to limit all standard services to 10 minutes, there is nothing worse than seeing packs of mourners clogging up the entrance waiting their turn, it makes the place look like a "Men in Black" movie convention.
An hour-long service is available if you believe your dead loved one to have been special in some way, bespoke prices are available on request once we see how wealthy you look, and find out what bespoke actually means.
Services are usually given by any available vicar, and with years of experience behind them you would believe they knew the deceased personally and not just seen their name on the invoice. A real Church vicar will charge £160 to preside, we only charge from £110! Take your pick.
The Duty vicar will tell stories about how fantastic and loved the deceased was, just how fantastic and loved can be negotiated on the day as we understand it can depend on who turns up, it would be a shame to spend our maximum fee of £100 on a lengthy eulogy when only their care staff turned up, and then only because they can get out of work for an hour.
We have the facilities for you to play your own choice of inappropriate music during the service, and just like the local council, we are cheeky enough to charge you £10 for the privilege.
Feel free to bring along your own organist too if you prefer, we have no organ for them to play, but it's your service invite who you like.
catafalque second chapel
Funeral vicars For a little extra we offer the east wing or all of our Premier Church for that classic and very expensive funeral service look. The cost to us is the same, but the added luxury must be worth a fair few quid extra to you.
Mark the vicar or his brother will make the funeral event a truly spectacular thirty minutes as they dress up as real vicars and pose for after the service photos with the bereaved.
Premium Church Prices start at only £510 extra, but to be honest for this price you need to carry the coffin in yourself, aim for £1000+ to get the full works.
Pallbearer prices depend on how heavy the coffin is, we have 4-10 men available. Our pallbearers may look old but they can move pretty swiftly when they want to get outside for a cigarette.
See our funeral plans for pre-paid prices, and we have a great range of quality coffins and funeral urns, including an exclusive celebrity range.
For current burial and cremation fees check the "Living" link.
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Tenpasenta Church
Please download our new Funeral Finder App, locations
and prices from every Funeral director in England,
strangely enough the final result always points to
one of our funeral shops, funny that.
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Grief Chart CryptAdvisorMany people are unsure how much public grief is the correct amount to show at a funeral, good question. We advise you to use our unique Grief Chart above.
Decades of observing funerals of all types and for all ages has enabled us to create a graph which shows a very accurate amount of grief observed.


Priority Boarding Busy funeral? Guarantee yourself that seat near the exit or by the heater with our exclusive Priority Boarding system!
Fed up with losing out on that nice seat because of your selfish relatives?
Buy your Priority boarding pass on the day, only £10.
Why not join our Frequent Mourner Club for great discounts.
Frequent Mourner
Donor Card
Carry the Card!
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We understand that the music at a funeral is a very personal choice, however, you'd be surprised by how many times we hear the same old song over and over again, below we have some of our most popular requests (in no particular order) of the dross we have to listen to daily.
Mark the vicar hopes that by seeing and hearing this selection of songs that they will stimulate your mind into choosing something less generic.
Pumping Nilsson   Johnny cash  
Harry Nilsson Johnny Cash Pumping
Rather be dead Ring of fire  
Pumping Billy   trammps  
Billy Bragg The Trammps Pumping
Goodbye Goodbye Disco Inferno  
Pumping Guns   Doors  
Guns N' Roses The Doors Pumping
I Used To Love Her Light my Fire  
Pumping led   box  
Led Zeppelin Living in a box Pumping
Stairway to Heaven Living in a box  
Pumping jam   countdown  
The Jam Channel 4 Pumping
Going underground Countdown  
Great news for lazy mourners. Our live video feed from the funeral Chapels are now online!
With speeds up to 56kps the future is here today.
Available free while testing, you can view all funerals as they happen, live audio is delayed 5 minutes to avoid profanity, it's a bit strange to watch at first but you get used to it.
This will become a pay per view service to any computer or an internet-connected device worldwide for only £10 per hour.
Stream the funeral directly to the bar of your local pub enabling the wake to begin early, in fact, there is no need to turn up in person for the funeral at all.
There must be many great reasons to watch a funeral service online which will make this service invaluable, we can't think of any but you're paying so think away.
Buffering, still
wifiGreat news for internet fans, from spring 2016 or later our funeral chapels will be Hi-Fi enabled.
We understand how dull funeral services can be, that's why internet connectivity is so important to today's bereaved. This service is offered free of charge to all of those giving a £10 donation before the service, your login details will be on your receipt.
We kindly ask all users not to send live web feed to their friends via this service, we are currently trying to get into the live feed market ourselves and don't need clever Dicks eating into our potential profits. We are a bit like iTunes in their stance against pirate downloads, we too like to believe every downloader would have paid full price for the service.
Remember this will be your last chance to take a selfie with your loved one, we now give 10 minutes of free time before the service begins for the bereaved, depending on demand this can be extended at a pay per minute rate. bereavement tax included
Please don't post a service you've recorded on social media, we'd hate people to realise our vicars say the same venal rubbish at every service.
crematorium selfie
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Coffin Funeral service scedule
Premium FuneralsThe note above is usually the amount of detail for the order of service that we get prior to a funeral.
As you can see this deceased person's choice of music was dire, we have yet to work out why so much sentimental crap is played at this time.
Please try to provide as much personal information as you'd like to hear spoken back to you.
Tenpasenta Church Premium funerals have bridged the gap between solemnity and entertainment by having many parts of our crematorium open to the general public and schools, not just for educational purposes but also for those just morbidly nosey.
Many relatives of the recently processed come back once a year for a tour until they get fed up or die themselves.
Feel free to arrange a guided tour of our funeral facilities, however feeling free is as far is it gets, as we charge £10 for the hour-long tour, discounted group charges available on request, however, there is a maximum of 10 guests per tour and a maximum 10% discount.
Tours begin daily at 3pm including bank holidays and even Christmas day, so forget watching the Queen's speech come and visit us.
Get an idea of what is guaranteed to happen to you, maybe pick a nice niche for yourself in the columbarium, you only need to put down a £10 non-refundable deposit ask Sister Mary for details during the tour.
If you have a relative residing in one of our niches bring a copy of their receipt of internment for one hour free access, maps are available for only £10, allow 10 hours per visit as it's big and lonely down there, even though you are surrounded by over 10,000 dead.
ColumbariumTour guide Sister Mary Collyer
Tenpasenta Church
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First Tenpasenta funerals, High street Southampton 1960's Our premium funeral shop today on a Southampton retail park
Our first funeral shop in Southampton 1950 Premium funeral shop today on a Southampton retail park
Tenpasenta Church Premium Funerals warehouse Nobody here looks like this.
All of our telephone advisors have at least 30 years experience in the funeral industry.
"We've been delivering overpriced funerals in the Southampton area since 1950, our frank way of handling death has won us acclaim in the funeral industry, although many potential customers find our jovial attitude a surprise at first, but once they realise how big our mark-ups are they quickly understand why we're laughing. We aim to make at least 1000% clear profit from each funeral, you know it makes corporate sense.
Relatives and friends of many of our customers are often heard saying "they saw you coming ", well we are on a hill so I expect we did."
Jensen Interceptor Hearse
1975, our unique Jensen Interceptor Hearse, now retired.
BBC Apparently, my websites caused some offence amongst local community busybodies. Luckily the BBC came to my aid and produced a free promo video.
The Cock In Hand Pub
  As seen on BBC South Today  
gold award
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Who made this crap?
Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable..