Premium Funerals For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious

Burial

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BURIAL	CREMATION	GREEN	QUALITY
VIEWING	FLEET	LIVING?	PLANS

• Make life's final journey better than other people's •

STANDARD BURIAL

Please don't pay your local council for a 50 year lease on a burial plot, because we refuse to bury people in them.
Only a short drive away from us is the New Forest, acres of woodland, ideal for a Premium Green burial* and all plots are free forever. Christmas

Due to the ecological aspects of these woodland burials, we regret to say that headstones cannot be erected, not even those wooden posts that other green burial sites charge £300 for, however by adding an identity chip into the top soil similar to those used for identifying dogs, you can easily locate and read all the details you could ever need to know about the interned, including breed.
Scanner and chip is available for only £550.
Standard burial only £750.
All graves hand dug by Doug our grave digger.

This site is not suitable for churchy types

SEA BURIAL

Did your loved one once say they'd dance on your grave? Well for a substantial charge (phone now) why not have a burial at sea, we can offer this facility thanks to the Needles Spoil Ground being only a short distance away from the Tenpasenta estate boat yards in Woolston.
By using one of the vicars many luxury yachts, you can combine the sea burial service with an enjoyable fishing trip or a ride around the Isle of Wight for up to 15 guests, it's a great family day out at only £550 extra.

Coffins must be weighted with a minimum of 10% of the total gross weight. We have a wide selection of quality weights available in both Imperial and Metric units. The body will also require some weights applied directly to the body, there's nothing worse than when they wash up on the local beach, kids tend to prod the bloated corpses with sticks and laugh at the genitals, and with mobile phones having cameras your loved ones hideous looking body will be on Facebook in no time.

SHALLOW GRAVE

New for 2012 is our exclusive ultra-shallow grave service. Cheaper than a conventional six foot grave by up to £20. We've found that Brian the grave digger can prepare several hundred of these plots in the time it takes to dig a single standard grave.
Bereaved families will also get the full value out of buying an expensive coffin for their loved one, imagine the looks on some people's faces when they realise their cheap choice of coffin is becoming a victim to the elements weeks or even months before more costly quality units on display across the graveyard.
We leave the choice to you, but we're sure that you can see the advantages outweigh the many disadvantages and illegalities.

KING RICHARD III

Why not sign up for now for our KING RICHARD III Cemetery. We are currently taking bookings, this will be a right royal affair indeed. Limited to 200 unmarked graves your loved one or even yourself will be buried like High Middle Ages royalty. We have received planning permission from Southampton City Council for our new staff car park under-which this royal cemetery will languish for maybe 500 years, prices start at only £1000 for a normal depth grave, to avoid subsidence we will be introducing American style concrete grave liners (vaults) from a minimum of an additional £500 each. Building will be completed by mid summer 2013. This style of burial is exclusive to Tenpasenta Premium funerals.

JERSEY BURIAL

Too poor to be allowed to live in Jersey?
Why not be buried there instead.

We have obtained burial rights to three miles of tunnels within the island of Jersey.
These elegant concrete tunnels designed by some of Germany's top designers during WWII provide a beautiful resting place for the aspiring jersey resident.
Pricing starts at only £15,000 per burial, and comparing that to average Jersey house prices it offers very good value for money.
Once we have sold all of the available space currently estimated to be only 1 million coffins, the tunnel will be sealed permanently.
We will be transferring coffins weekly from Southampton aboard our own dedicated ferry service, discount cigarettes are available upon our return, first come first served.

THEMED FUNERALS

We offer a range of themed funeral options to suit every client.
We understand that the departed loved one was a unique individual with a unique personality to match, that's why an equally unique themed funeral could be just the ticket.

1, Clowns, everybody loves clowns? Bring your own clown costumes or rent one of ours. Clowns always bring cheer to this otherwise dull occasion.
We can supply balloons and buckets of water, we did use buckets of comical confetti, but have you tried cleaning that stuff up?
We don't like dressing as clowns, so you can do the whole service Tenpasenta Church

yourselves.
£300 extra.

2, Victorian, our staff will dress in traditional middle to upper class Victorian dress, mainly in black with the funeral director of the day wearing a top hat and tails, a very popular choice with us as it's what we usually wear at funerals.
£300 extra.

3, Casual, a great modern theme to take away the formality of a funeral that many dislike, especially those with a limited wardrobe.
Come in your own casual clothes, and we will come in ours, you can easily spot our staff because our casual clothes are by major designers, don't forget we're loaded.
£300 extra.

SHOCKING PINK

Due to the easy availability of coffins via mail order and eBay these days, there have been many occasions when customers have requested we use one of these and not buy from us, we don't have a problem with this as we just increase other funeral costs to cover our loss, but there has been a fashion amongst some bereaved to buy tasteless coffins, one example is the pink coffin.
Pink may be a colour found in many a young girls and homosexuals bedrooms, but it is not a colour currently or will ever be accepted in Tenpasenta Church chapels, graveyards or crematoriums, the reasons are obvious. Just because you may find pink nice, does not mean our staff want to look at it or handle it, we do have some standards here, when the royalty or ex Prime Ministers use pink coffins we may change this rule. caution

We do allow pink clothes to be worn inside the coffin, but not when on public display, in the chapel of rest viewing area for example.
A recent attempt to bring a pink coffin into our Premier Church resulted in the Police being called, and all those involved in this tasteless insult to the living being ejected from the estate, they were only able to return when the coffin had been repainted an acceptable colour, in this case purple.
It recently came to our notice that a pink coffin was buried here covertly in 1978, needless to say it, and the body remains were exhumed and put out with the rubbish.

Pink Coffins
not clever
don't do it!

CRAP CORNER

	Reverend Mark the vicar presents Crap Corner. Mark the vicar decided to recreate a small area of dishevelled looking graveyard on the front lawn of his vicarage, all due to public demand for a family grave to photograph in an idyllic location combined with the impression of being in a county council tendered graveyard. Ideal if you had cremated your loved one to save money or by mistake, or maybe you had your loved one buried in the Wutachytole mass budget cemetery. Recreated with unsold paving slabs from the original Woolston cemetery, you will notice a blank headstone to the rear, on this you can fix a decal with your loved ones details, some examples of what's available below:
	"Here lies (insert name) pardon me if I don't get up" "He/She died happy just before his round" "Situation vacant" "Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go." And many many more!
	Each custom made decal can be taken home and used again. ONLY £60

MOBILE GRAVE

Many people move away from their dead loved ones grave location, this can prove a big emotional drain during anniversaries of notable events. Worry no more with the Tenpasenta Church Premium funerals mobile grave!
Park your mobile grave outside your house, imagine the convenience, words cannot describe just how great this unique system is so we will not try.
This luxury does not come cheap, but we can let you have a mobile grave for only £234.50p per month, this price includes one transport of not over 300 miles from Southampton, other distances available on request.

Caution!
Plaster board, Asbestos, Fridges, Freezers and Air-conditioning units, Tyres, Electrical appliances, Batteries, Fluorescent light tubes, Paints (including residues inside paint cans) Solvents, Aerosols and gas canisters, Liquids, Oil, fuel and other automotive fluids. Other hazardous / toxic waste.
The above are not permitted in our mobile graves. Illumination should be provided for graves parked on public roads.

*Remember that you will need the green certificate issued by the registrar before we can bury your loved one.

MOBILE HEADSTONES

At first look you may think these were standard marble headstones, but no, these headstones are special, with an integrated lid and hollow interior they're ideal for putting day old flowers or trimmed grass from your loved ones scruffy grave.
We don't allow headstones to be left in our green cemetery overnight, so that's where the wheels come in handy, you can easily push your loved ones headstone to and from home the grave from home, the local council will even empty your grave waste for you every week.
Elderly bereaved will find that these gravestones also make ideal walking frames, and could replace a tartan trolley bag on shopping trips to Spar, that's another great use for free!
Prices start at only £220 for a 40 litre mobile headstone, we even have industrial sized headstones which can reflect the deceased ones profession in the service sector or just for the ostentatiousness.
Please don't keep your dead in the headstone itself, unless we sold it to you as a mobile grave in the first place, these come with a lockable lid, which explains their £3000 starting price.

UPDATE

Due to unforeseen circumstances we have decided to stop our New Forest green burials for the foreseeable future, and going by past form that's about 5 years.
Luckily it was found that the fields behind the Tenpasenta Church vicarage fall into the Green & Woodland cemetery categories, which was a stroke of luck.
These fields will make a beautiful resting place for the most disconcerting corpse. We will be planting fast growing conifers on the graves, these will make a fitting tribute to the deceased and quickly create a micro-forest environment for all to enjoy.
In a novel twist Mark the vicar has decided on planting Norway Spruce (Picea abies) known by some as Christmas trees, he felt it would be a great opportunity for relatives to take a small part of their loved one into the family home each year, remember you can't decorate memories.
Each plot will be planted with up to three trees, be sure to pre-order to avoid disappointment at Christmas and guarantee that the tree you buy is from your loved ones grave, each beautiful Christmas tree is only £45.
Unclaimed Christmas trees will be available for general sale at the main gate from late November.

ABOUT	COFFINS	URNS	EXTRAS
BURIAL	CREMATION	GREEN	QUALITY
VIEWING	FLEET	LIVING?	PLANS

	Copyright M. Collyer Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, however feel free to donate money as I’m broke.