Burials
Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious

ABOUT	COFFINS	URNS	EXTRAS
BURIAL	CREMATION	GREEN	QUALITY
VIEWING	FLEET	LIVING?	PLANS

Making life's final journey better than other people's

STANDARD BURIAL

Please don't pay your local council for a 50-year lease on a burial plot, because we refuse to bury people in them.
Only a short drive away from us is the New Forest, acres of woodland, ideal for a Premium Green burial* and all plots are free forever. christmas tree vicar man

Due to the ecological aspects of these woodland burials, we regret to say that headstones cannot be erected, not even those wooden posts that other green burial sites charge £299 for, however by adding an identity chip into the topsoil similar to those used for identifying dogs, you can easily locate and read all the details you could ever need to know about the interned, including breed.
Scanner and chip is available for only £99.
Standard burial only £699.
All graves hand dug by Doug our gravedigger.

This site is not suitable for churchy types

BURIAL AT SEA

Did your loved one once say they'd dance on your grave? Well for a substantial charge why not arrange to have your burial at sea, we can offer this thanks to the Needles Spoil Ground being only a short boat ride away from the Tenpasenta church boatyards in Woolston.
By using one of the vicars many luxury yachts, you can combine the sea burial service with an enjoyable fishing trip or sightseeing jaunt around the Isle of Wight, a great family day out.

Coffins must be weighted with a minimum of 10% of the total gross weight. We have a wide selection of quality weights available in both Imperial and Metric units. The body will also require some weights applied directly to the body, there's nothing worse than when they wash up on the local beach, kids tend to prod the bloated corpses with sticks and laugh at the genitals, and with mobile phones having cameras your loved ones hideous looking body will be on Facebook in no time.

crem fresh pizza, dawson windows, gold for church. cock in hand

SHALLOW GRAVES

New for 2019 is our exclusive ultra-shallow grave. Cheaper than a conventional six-foot grave by up to £9,99. We've found that Doug our gravedigger can prepare several hundred of these plots in the time it takes to dig a single standard grave.
Bereaved families will also get the full value out of buying an expensive coffin for their loved one, imagine the looks on some people's faces when they realise their cheap choice of coffin is becoming a victim to the elements weeks or even months before more costly quality units across the graveyard, don't go cheap with this option.
We leave the choice to you, but we're sure that you can see the advantages outweigh the many disadvantages and illegalities.

KING RICHARD III BODY

Why not sign up now for our new KING RICHARD III Cemetery. We are currently taking bookings, this will be a right royal affair indeed. Limited to 210 unmarked graves your loved one or even yourself will be buried like High Middle Ages royalty. We have received planning permission from Southampton City Council for our new staff car park under-which this royal cemetery will languish for maybe 510 years, prices start at only £999 for a normal depth grave, to avoid subsidence we will be introducing American style concrete grave liners (vaults) from a minimum of an additional £499 each. Building will be completed by mid-summer 2020. This style of burial is exclusive to Tenpasenta Premium funerals, and a few found by Time Team on Channel 4.

Above we can see exactly how King Richard looked while alive, by using the science of average skin depth marked by precision pegs and the careful layering of ethically sourced Terracotta clay the BBC diversity department has been able to recreate a three-dimensional model that will intrigue historians for years to come.

JERSEY BURIAL

Too poor to be allowed to live in Jersey?
Why not be dead there instead.

We have obtained burial rights to three miles of tunnels within the island of Jersey.
These elegant concrete tunnels designed by some of Germany's top designers during WWII provide a beautiful resting place for the aspiring Jersey resident.
Pricing starts at only £9,999 per burial and comparing that to average Jersey house prices it offers very good value for money.
Once we have sold all of the available space currently estimated to be only 10 million coffins, the tunnel will be sealed permanently.
We will be transferring coffins weekly from Southampton aboard our own dedicated ferry service, discount cigarettes are available upon our return, first come first served.

THEMED FUNERALS

We offer a range of themed funeral options to suit every client.
We understand that the departed loved one was a unique individual with a unique personality to match, that's why an equally unique themed funeral could be just the ticket.

Clowns, everybody loves clowns? Bring your own clown costumes or rent one of ours. Clowns always bring cheer to this otherwise dull occasion.
We can supply balloons and buckets of water, we did use buckets of comical confetti, but have you tried cleaning that stuff up?
We don't like dressing as clowns, so you can do the whole service

yourselves.
£299 extra.

Victorian, our staff will dress in traditional middle to upper-class Victorian dress, mainly in black with the funeral director of the day wearing a top hat and tails, a very popular choice with us as it's what we usually wear at funerals anyway.
£299 extra.

Casual, a great modern theme to take away the formality of a funeral that many dislike, especially those with a limited wardrobe.
Come in your own casual clothes, and we will come in ours, you can easily spot our staff because our casual clothes are by major designers, don't forget we're loaded.
£299 extra.

SHOCKING PINK COFFINS

Due to the easy availability of coffins via mail order and eBay these days, there have been many occasions when customers have requested we use one of these and not buy from us, we don't have a problem with this as we just increase other funeral costs to cover our loss, but there has been a fashion amongst some bereaved to buy tasteless coffins, one example is the pink coffin.
Pink may be a colour found in many a young girl and homosexuals bedrooms, but it is not a colour currently or will ever be accepted in Tenpasenta Church chapels, graveyards or crematoriums, the reasons are obvious. Just because you may find pink nice, does not mean our staff want to look at it or handle it, we do have some standards here, but when royalty or ex-Prime Ministers use pink coffins we may change this rule. caution

We do allow pink clothes to be worn inside the coffin, but not when on public display, in the chapel of rest viewing area for example.
A recent attempt to bring a pink coffin into our Premier Church resulted in the Police being called, and all those involved in this tasteless insult to the living being ejected from the estate, they were only able to return when the coffin had been repainted an acceptable colour, in this case, purple.
It recently came to our notice that a pink coffin was buried here covertly in 1978, needless to say, it and the body remains were exhumed and put out with the rubbish.

PINK STINKS!
Pink coffins
not clever
don't do it!

LIVE COFFINCAM

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As part of our modern approach to death and bereavement, we have installed new CoffinCam.
Remember your dead loved one as never before via a live webcam from inside the coffin, when you visit our bereavement centre you will be able to watch the live feed and view what is possibly your own loved ones state of decay.
In 2018 CoffinCam will be available as part of the E-book package from only £7,999!

Buffering......

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Buffering......

TOO HOT TO ROT

Do you consider yourself good looking, do others drool over you in public? Then obviously you're too hot to rot, too flash to ash, you should consider our new mummification service.
Pure Egyptian Cotton 400 Thread Count wrap from £49,99 per metre. Huge range of colours available!
Genuine clay viscera jars from £499 per set.

CRAP CORNER

	Reverend Mark the vicar presents Crap Corner. Mark the vicar decided to recreate a small area of dishevelled looking graveyard on the front lawn of his vicarage, all due to public demand for a family grave to be photographed in a crappy graveyard without going to one, this service is offered for you to pretend the grave is of a rich relative, and as they appear to be buried in a crappy grave you can pretend that any wealth you have was not inherited but made yourself, this'll impress any snobby friends and get you a couple of nice party invites. Below are a couple of phrases you can buy on the day, humour that has never been seen anywhere beyond the internet and TV or radio.
	"Here lies (insert name) pardon me if I don't get up" "He/She died with a smug grin just before his round of drinks" "Situation vacant" "Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go."
	Each custom made decal can be used time and time again. ONLY £9,99

MOBILE GRAVE

Many people move away from their dead loved ones grave location, this can prove a big emotional drain during anniversaries of notable events. Worry no more with the Tenpasenta Church Premium funerals mobile grave!
Park your mobile grave outside your house, imagine the convenience, words cannot describe just how great this unique system is so we will not try.
This luxury does not come cheap, but we can let you have a mobile grave for only £299 per month, this price includes one transport of not over 310 miles from Southampton, other distances available on request.

Caution!
Plaster board, Asbestos, Fridges, Freezers and Air-conditioning units, Tyres, Electrical appliances, Batteries, Fluorescent light tubes, Paints (including residues inside paint cans) Solvents, Aerosols and gas canisters, Liquids, Oil, fuel and other automotive fluids. Other hazardous / toxic waste.
The above items are not permitted in our mobile graves. Illumination should be provided for mobile graves parked on public roads, consult your local highways agency website.

*Remember that you will need the green certificate issued by the registrar before we can bury your loved one.

HOME BURIAL

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After

Very popular with married couples of all ages is home burial, we offer a no questions asked burial spot, the Jardin P'tio.
The Jardin P'tio comes in many styles, ranging from the basic from only £9,999 to the most extravagant you can imagine, all of the "P'tio" range can be booked at a minimum of 10-hours notice.
We are often cheaper than professional patio layers, so even if you don't ave a loved one that needs a P'tio headstone but would like a patio call now for a low low quotation, mainly because we have a few dodgy cadavers knocking about looking for a new home themselves.

Before

After

MOBILE HEADSTONES

At first look, you may think these were standard marble headstones, but no, these headstones are special, with an integrated lid and hollow interior they're ideal for putting day-old flowers or trimmed grass from your loved ones scruffy grave.
We don't allow headstones to be left in our green cemetery overnight, so that's where the wheels come in handy, you can easily push your loved one's headstone to and from home the grave from home, the local council will even empty your grave waste for you every week.
Elderly bereaved will find that these gravestones also make ideal walking frames, and could replace a tartan trolley bag on shopping trips to Spar, that's another great use for free!
Prices start at only £199 for a 40-litre mobile headstone, we even have industrial-sized headstones which can reflect the deceased ones profession in the service sector or just for the ostentatiousness.
Please don't keep your dead in the headstone itself, unless we sold it to you as a mobile grave in the first place, these come with a lockable lid, which explains their £2,999 starting price.

NEW FOREST BURIAL UPDATE

Due to unforeseen circumstances, we have decided to stop our New Forest green burials for the foreseeable future and going by past form that's about 10 years.
Luckily it was found that the fields behind the Tenpasenta Church vicarage fall into the Green & Woodland cemetery categories, which was a stroke of luck.
These fields will make a beautiful resting place for the most disconcerting corpse. We will be planting fast-growing conifers on the graves, these will make a fitting tribute to the deceased and quickly create a micro-forest environment for all to enjoy.
In a novel twist, Mark the vicar has decided on planting Norway Spruce (Picea abies) known by some as Christmas trees, he felt it would be a great opportunity for relatives to take a small part of their loved one into the family home each year, remember you can't decorate memories.
Each plot will be planted with up to three trees, be sure to pre-order to avoid disappointment at Christmas and guarantee that the tree you buy is from your loved one's grave, each beautiful Christmas tree is only £110.
Unclaimed Christmas trees will be available for general sale at the main gate from late November.

ABOUT	COFFINS	URNS	EXTRAS
BURIAL	CREMATION	GREEN	QUALITY
VIEWING	FLEET	LIVING?	PLANS

Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable..