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Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious
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MOURNING TISSUES

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Vicar at funeral Make the most of your public mourning with Tenpasenta funeral tissues.
Our unique onion juice formula will stimulate those tears of sorrow, ideal for those who know they're in for a nice little earner from the dearly departed ones Will.
ONLY £4 for a box of 10 3ply tissues.
Funeral Flowers

DVD

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Funerals on DVD

Premium funerals are now available to buy on DVD for your family's entertainment. Never forget a moment of your loved one's departure, see behind the scenes as we follow their journey from the mortuary to the grave, if they are to be cremated you can watch in awe as their remains are engulfed in the ruthless flames of the cremator.
Only £510.
Get the Blu-ray version in full 1080p HD that has our directors cut with unseen Extras including:
Funny out-takes,
Commentaries from those involved,
Pallbearer-cam,
and even an alternative ending!
Only £310 extra.

3D now available!!
Only £510 extra.
A compatible 3D television is required apparently.

3D
Funerals on your Mobile Bereavement tax included
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BOOK OF REMEMBRANCE
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Books of Remembrance Details of our splendid Books of Remembrance deals are on our external Tenpasenta Church site. The book itself is based at our main sales office on the first floor.
CryptAdvisor tenpasenta visitor centre
Tenpasenta Church disabled access
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BENCH DEAL
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public convenience For only £2510 you can dedicate a beautifully handcrafted in China granite-style cement-based bench.
These useful memorials will be placed at handy locations around the Tenpasenta estate, ideal for a tired member of staff to have a rest, or maybe even a member of the public.granite style bench
We have situated two benches conveniently outside our newly British built public convenience, made with 10% Ashes2bricks©.
Real Quality.
   
R.I.P.
   
funeral plans
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COFFIN KNICKERS
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coffin knickers coffin knickers coffin knickers
coffin knickers coffin knickers
One funeral garment often neglected is fluid proof coffin knickers and other unusual under apparel. As the body decays the last thing you want is seepage ruining smart new funeral clothes or gown you've just purchased. Don't bank on the fact that the body may have been half pickled, and that every cavity and orifice has been bunged up with wadding and other absorbent products, leaks do happen.
The addition of fluid resistant underwear is a must for any fashion conscious corpse.
These beautifully hand fitted items should be ordered before the embalming process, though often fitted as normal practice for free ordering early will give you a choice of colour and could guarantee a full matching set, which is nice.
EMBALMING
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Have your dead relative enjoy one of our quality embalming suites, we have over ten available that offer employment to newly qualified embalmers from all over Southampton.
This process though not 100% necessary does bring in a nice little profit for us, so we recommend it be done in every case, it's not often we find a job that is done for hygiene reasons to protect us that we can charge you for.
If you wish the body to be viewed at our drive-thru chapel of rest then this process should be done without thought of cost, ugly melting grey/green bloated bodies are not a nice way to remember a loved one, although those who do like this look can watch their relative decompose via coffincam, a great innovation for the morbid and curious mourner.
Decomposing body Dead
PROCESS
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embalming
EFFECTS
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Exhumed
CryptAdvisorFrom the image above you can see how great our embalming process is, apart from the mould on exposed parts you'd think this person wasn't dead, even after 10 months of being planted.
If you think your loved one will be exhumed at some point we recommend vacuum packing on top of the full embalming process.
Vacuum storage bags
Buy 10 Vacuum bags and get a 1 Free!

ONLY £110

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CASTS OF BODY PARTS
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facecasting Death mask
What better way to remember your loved one, than by paying us to make a cast of their distinguishing features into a face cast or Deathmask. This has been a popular choice for centuries, even in these days of digital photography it's still fairly popular.
This old idea has a very strong following amongst those bereaved who are blind, without that ability to flick through photographs having their loved ones face cast on a shelf or in a shoebox under the bed is a great comfort.
We recommend that this not be done on the long-dead or on crash victims with facial damage, the results could be a bit scary, and not what you want on your mantelpiece.
We do offer a pre-death service, but how you know when to come in just before you die is a trick we've never learned, why not come in every year for a new cast, just to be on the safe side and keep up to date.tax
Only £410.
Hand cast Hand casting, we can manipulate the deceased person's hands into a variety of amusing positions, a list of which is available on request.
The hand-cast is a great opportunity to study the lines of the palm, and work out if that lifeline idea is real, telling you just how long you could have left to live if it were.
If the deceased had only one hand or less, we can take casts of their stumps instead, allowing you to scare the crap out of people when you stick it out of your sleeve.tax
Only £110.
Penis cast Penis cast, this is a very popular choice with ladies and homosexuals alike, keep it hidden in your sock drawer for those lonely nights of grief ahead.
With careful use of very high-pressure embalming fluid, we are able to cast an erect member that is of the maximum size possible, this can be up to 10% larger than the living erection! 2, 3 or 4! AA batteries will be required to benefit from the embedded vibrating unit installed to a deluxe cast. All men are not made equal and larger batteries may be required.
Why not try one from our large stock selection instead.
From only £10
Breast cast Dildo, keep a sample of your loved ones ashes inside one of our handcrafted glass dildos, based on an original cast of Mark the vicars own penis (not to scale) this 10" piece will satisfy any mourning partner.
Why not add a little colour to the ashes for that personal touch (£10 extra).
Each dildo is half-filled with your loved ones remains to offer that little extra vibration much love. We understand that the ashes are in fact just crushed bone and none of the actual flesh you fell in love with remains, but it's the thought that counts as they penetrate you many years after their death.
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Breast cast Breast cast, we recommend these be done while the lady is living, it will not affect the final result, but it does make the manufacturing process more enjoyable.
You can select a plaster cast or latex for a "natural feel", a great way to remember a loved one. If they had undergone a mastectomy due to illness I shouldn't bother.
Clay/plaster cast only £110.
Natural latex cast only £210.
We no longer offer vaginal casts due to unsatisfactory results, however, our cervical dilation models are available to hire from our maternity unit for weekend use. £25.
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SEX AFTER DEATH
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Death erection, or Angel lust is a very common Priapism occurrence at death, most noticeable in men.
This is an opportunity not to be missed, this will be your last chance to have full sexual intimacy with your dearly departed husband or boyfriend.
If we notice a full erection or usable semi, we will let you know immediately so that you have a last chance to have that final knee trembler with your loved one while warm.
We will leave you alone in our luxurious mortuary for up to twenty minutes, if you're still at it after this time we may begin the embalming anyway, which to be honest will engorge the penis back to it's largest possible size thanks to high pressure fluids.
Apparently you're never too old to enjoy a fulfilling sex life, in this case even after death.
Quote our booking code: GEEZERS IN FREEZERStax
Angel lust
ULTIMATE FINAL GIFT
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Dignitas Have you ever had your dog put to sleep because of excess wind problems? Now do the same thing for your loved one.
This is the ultimate gift for the man or woman who thinks they have everything, Assisted Suicide. That'll give them something to think about on their birthday.
We include one return and one single economy flight to Switzerland, complementary cheap Champagne containing barbiturates in a marked bottle should get the birthday party on the go upon arrival, in their dazed state they will be happy enough to sign all the forms necessary, make sure they have signed their latest Will first. Once they have finished choking to death give us a call, and we will have them DHL'd back to Southampton for the inclusive funeral.
A Dignitas gift voucher is only £25,010.
Pop in at your convenience and arrange somebody else's suicide!
We've taken the ass out of Dignitas
DESECRATION TO ORDER
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As part of our Premium Unloved service, we are proud to offer grave desecration to order. You do not need to be related to the deceased in any way, we have desecration permits that cover the whole of the British Isles, Ireland and parts of Hawaii.
£2,510 will buy you a no questions asked grave desecration, additional 1st class travelling expenses from Southampton will be added once the grave location has been revealed to us.
This is not an in and out quick service, a maximum of ten minutes on-site with a sledgehammer is all that we require or offered, this is sufficient to give the grave a Professional "gone over" look that should guarantee exposure in the local newspaper!
We do not offer a swastika painting service on Jewish graves, however, for £10,000 we can exhume any body and have them reburied in the Nazi section of our cemetery here in Southampton, which is fairly unique.
Grave desacration
REPATRIATION SERVICE
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It's a sad fact than many people inconveniently die while abroad, dirty old men who get over-excited in sleazy parts of Thailand for example.
We offer a repatriation service for the deceased that stands head and shoulders above many corpse repatriation firms. By using a convenient loophole in airlines accompanied parcels regulations we can use the deceased as a courier, not only will the body be repatriated in good time but you could also benefit from some handy duty free goods. Each consignment will be given a unique delivery number that can be tracked from home giving you the option to either meet the deceased at Heathrow arrivals or send us instead.
72hr, 96hr and 120-hour repatriations are available, we have a slower and cheaper overland option, however, we cannot guarantee that the loved one will be fit for a family viewing after four weeks or more on the road or international container vessel. For example repatriation from Thailand including paperwork is £2,510
747
repatriation service 747747
SMARTPHONE HEADSTONE
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Mark Collyer QR codes on headstones link you to our online epitaph of your chosen loved one, you can add our QR codes to any headstone old or new, show images and details of your loved ones life, details that you could never pack onto a traditional headstone. Don't pay monumental masons a fortune for engraving words in stone, instead pay us a ludicrous amount for a simple QR sticker and web page. All for only £310.
(A mobile internet connection is required when viewing from a cemetery.)
Try the QR code below for an example page.
headstone QR codes
QR Grave installed headstone QR codes
MEMORIES
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dog We offer a memento service, this is where you can put personal items into the coffin with your dearly departed, rules are quite strict for cremations, however most things are fair game with burials, the more interesting the better, especially if you expect the body to be exhumed by a future Time Team or even real archaeologists.
Common items often include family photographs, old love letters, memorable jewellery, old credit card bills and even a mobile phone (just in case).
Please be sure that you have selected a soundproof coffin or casket if you are intending to put in their beloved annoying pet, the sound of an animal crying from within the coffin during the funeral service can prove to be distressing for the other mourners.
maglite for coffins
ELDERLY PROBLEM
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LIFEPAK 12 LIFEPAK 12 death hastening
Elderly people can be a financial liability when they keep going on and on.
Having an elderly relative who refuses to pass on can be a damn nuisance, especially if they are spending your inheritance on geriatric care like ours, years of visiting a friend or relative with dementia can be like a total waste of time this is why we sell specially rigged LIFEPAK 12, BiPhasic, AED Defibrillators for only £2510!
When you decide enough is enough simply use the defibrillators hefty 50k volt rigged charge to stop their heart within minutes, our free instruction video based on a Marigold advert will explain how to protect yourself from death.
A pre-printed readout to show the ambulance crew imitates that of a failed resuscitation making you look a hero who tried their best.
LIVE COFFINCAM
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CoffinCam enabled CoffinCam
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As part of our modern approach to death and bereavement, we have installed new CoffinCam.
Remember your dead loved one as never before via a live webcam from inside the coffin, when you visit our bereavement centre you will be able to watch the live feed and view what is possibly your own loved ones state of decay.
In 2018 CoffinCam will be available as part of theE-book of remembrance package from only £810!
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