Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious



Tenpasenta Church home
  • Make life's final journey better than other people's •


So you're about to die Full details of all our Premier funeral products and prices are available in our informative So you're about to die leaflet.
We distribute these leaflets free of charge to all residential geriatric homes and hospices in the area.
Residential care staff will be pleased to learn that we offer 10% commission for all successful leads.
For your own free copy of So you're about to die send £5 and a self-addressed envelope to:
I was too lazy to come and get a leaflet,
Reverend Mark Collyer,
Tenpasenta Church Estate,
Southampton. 2014
So you're about to die So you're about to die


Bereavement Mail Service Welcome to the new Tenpasenta Bereavement Mail Service.
As we all know getting junk mail and bills through the post addressed to a deceased loved one can be very distressing, and getting this mail stopped can be difficult, moreover by stopping the mail 100% could deprive you of some very handy cheque's or pension books, which would be a shame. CryptAdvisor
By signing up to the Tenpasenta Bereavement Mail Service means we will handle the deceased relatives mail for you. By redirecting their mail to us and sorting out the crap from lucrative money making opportunities, which we will then forward to you.
If we come across cash, in a birthday card for example, this may be liberated to help cover handling costs.
Each year we will review your account and advise you when only rubbish mail is being received, you can then authorise us to stop all their future mail once and for all.
Only £100 pa. CryptAdvisor
Bereavement Mail Service
This site is not suitable for churchy types
  Tenpasenta Church


special flower arrangements Tenpasenta Church
For special flower arrangements contact us in advance, anything goes, £30 per letter.
  Tenpasenta Church


Waiting Room
We are proud to offer entrance to Mark the Vicar's Golden drawing room to our Premium Funeral customers who purchased a coffin from our Celebrity range costing over £6500.
Immediate family (up to 10) can gather in luxury 30 minutes before the due service, benefit from Sky TV and free limousine transport from the vicarage to Premium church on wet or cold days.


You may want to ask for flowers from family only and suggest that other mourners make donations to a nominated charity, us for example.
This is a great idea once you see how much flowers cost these days, in addition to the fact that many geriatric care homes have funeral flowers donated to them after a service for fellow residents, imagine the fear this brings the old folks as they become surrounded in coffin sprays and in deepest sympathy cards.
special flower arrangements If you would like to order Funeral flowers, please use OutaFlora, the quality flower arranger, if only because we get the usual 20% commission!
Although the Tenpasenta Church has yet to be granted charity status due to not greasing the right palms, they are more than happy to accept donations from the gullible.
Payments above £500 should be made in cash to the Tenpasenta donations representative present at every funeral, other payments can be made securely online with your credit or debit card through our G-Mail account. Thank You.
flower look here flower
Donate via gmail
Coffin sale Why not join our door2door sales team?
Earn up to 10% commission on all of your coffin sales.
Sell to all of your family and workmates, and then when they're not interested go door to door.
When you become a coffin sales rep for Tenpasenta Premium Funerals you will be peddling the very best from our standard coffin range, we suggest you have access to an estate car for carrying a wide range of coffin lid samples.
Contact Mark the Vicar for details. Premium Funerals
Shit HappensTenpasenta Church home
  Tenpasenta Church


Premium Funerals
Service Fees Price

Single plot


Child’s plot


Single depth grave (7ft 6in by 3ft)


Double depth grave


Child interment (4ft by 2tt)


Service Fees Price

Out of hours burial


Compulsory grave maintenance for the first year (this means we can run our lawn mower over the whole area without dodging plots that can make the place look untidy).


*Prices correct 01/01/2013
  Tenpasenta Church


Premium Funerals
Service fees Price

Cremation of an Adult, add £120 for fatties.


Non-Viable Foetus, stillborn & children up to and including 16 years of age

No charge!

* Saturday morning cremation - service to be concluded by 12 noon


* Saturday afternoon cremation - service to be concluded by 4 p.m.


* Sunday cremation - service to be concluded by 4 p.m.


Environmental Levy (not charged up to and including 16 years)


Use of chapel for just a memorial service. Any day including weekends.


Resting of a coffin prior to cremation in the cold room (overnight or part of a day)


Service fees Price

Rose bush / shrub and plaque for a period of twenty years


Kerbs-tone and memorial plaque for a period of twenty years


Service Fees Price

Scattering in the Garden of Remembrance whereby a cremation has taken place at Tenpasenta Premium Funerals Southampton.

No charge

Scattering whereby a cremation has taken place elsewhere


Appointment with staff to rest cremated remains - weekdays


Appointment with staff to rest cremated remains - Saturdays


Appointment with staff to rest cremated remains - Sundays


Service Fees Price

Rose bush 20 years


Rose bush 10 years


Rose bush 5 years


Garden bench for a period of 20 years

4' bench and plaque (we reserve the right to dismantle any bench and put into landfill if we get too many)



Columbarium (Internal) Sealed / Open niches for the great and the good

For a period of 20 years (sealed)

For a period of 20 years (open)

Ultra special niche room per year




Service fees Price

Shrub / tree and plaque
(choice of area may be restricted by limited space)


Second / replacement plaques


*Prices correct 01/01/2013
  As seen on BBC South Today  
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Who made this crap? Visit Budget Funerals Visit the Tenpasenta Church CryptAdvisor
Copyright M. Collyer

Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, however feel free to donate money as I’m broke.